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Friday, August 31, 2012

It's a Thin Line, Part 2


I so enjoyed composing “It’s a Thin Line,” last week’s list of things I love and hate, that I’ve decided to do it again. As I previously noted, the broad brushstrokes are a given. It goes without saying that I love my children and hate child molesters, that I love my husband and hate what Clint Eastwood has become. Instead, what I’m trying to illustrate are the more nuanced grievances and joys that we experience each day. So here goes round two:

I HATE…
  1. When my kids force me to use bad words
  2. Going to Target
  3. People who use Starbucks as their office
  4. My kids’ inability to grasp the notion of delayed gratification
  5. When people don’t pick up their dog’s poop
  6. When my kids step in that poop
  7. The “Fun Donuts” at Giant that come with orange icing and either gummy bears or jelly beans on top
  8. Humidity
  9. My kids constantly asking me when we’re outside if they can “just water a tree”
  10. Cutting up watermelon
  11. When my 5-year-old daughter tells me that I’m “always doing things that make [her] life harder”
  12. That Hunter Pence no longer plays for the Phillies
  13. That we have yet to open 529s to save for our kids’ college tuition
  14. When my children put the bottoms of their shoes on their faces, especially at dinner
  15. “Tabitha’s Salon Takeover”
  16. When one of my kids gets a splinter and expects me to do something about it
  17. Having a mole scan with my dermatologist and then bumping into him and his family at LIX Water Ice
  18. Sippy cups
  19. When my neighbors come over especially to inform me that they’re leaving for Italy for three weeks
  20. Hot yoga, though I’ve never done it
  21. Martha Stewart
  22. When my husband leaves his visors hanging on our downstairs doorknobs
  23. People in their 20s who write memoirs
  24. Dubbed movies
  25. When my kids narrate to me what they’re playing as they play
  26. Forgetting to take off the sticker before I cut up the apple
  27. That our sectional couch is more often sectional than cohesive
  28. Finding “Jesus coins” around the house that my children earned at preschool
  29. Reading books to my son with opening sentences like, “Earth’s long history began 4.6 billion years ago.”


I LOVE…
  1. When I get to use “bloody” in sentences such as, “I’m so bloody sick of my kids.”
  2. Going to Target
  3. The fact that I use Starbucks as my office
  4. The “orange” food group: Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers, Cheez-Its, Cheez Whiz
  5. When my 2-year-old says, “Mommy, know what?” and has nothing to follow it up with
  6. The Marys: Mary Tyler Moore, Mary McCarthy
  7. “Blue Crush”
  8. Finding a Trojan Vibrating Ring wrapper at South Ardmore Playground – and not knowing what a vibrating ring is
  9. The opening sequence in “All That Jazz”
  10. Eating really juicy, cold watermelon
  11. Watching my girls eat really juicy, cold watermelon
  12. The name “Hunter Pence”
  13. My husband telling my 5-year-old son to “keep swinging” in hopes that he’ll win a college baseball scholarship
  14. When my kids put on their own shoes
  15. All things Gareth in the BBC’s version of “The Office”
  16. When I forget that one of my kids has a splinter and it comes out by itself
  17. The free samples my dermatologist generously hands out
  18. Mason jars
  19. The liberal does of “holy shitballs” you get in Kathy Griffin’s tweets
  20. That my husband and I went to see “The Girl Who Played With Fire,” in Swedish, not knowing that it was the second installment in a very popular trilogy
  21. Hearing my twins debate about whether they “speak Spanish in China”
  22. Hearing that my friend’s daughter called “Lunch Bunch” “Lunch Box”
  23. The fact that neither of us cleared up our children’s confusion because we found it so entertaining
  24. Eavesdropping
  25. When at least two out of three of my kids are playing together without fighting
  26. When my 2-year-old looks at her reflection in the bathtub faucet
  27. The theme song to “Laverne & Shirley”
  28. How much my dad loves books in a genre I’ll call: “Eiger: Wall of Death”
  29. How my 2-year-old says, “Blow me!” when she wants me to blow onto her face