tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76489352433387255882024-03-12T20:49:31.686-07:00Livin' the DreamCourtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.comBlogger188125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-19974259451838553222017-09-27T18:06:00.000-07:002017-09-27T18:06:23.249-07:00Pulling back the shroud<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEWs6hEOvMJonIQVerADzGvG8H0IzoRo-_UzbtCZk3IqQgFGRdm_L0I2kwchBNCSOYF9d0W9f7jUuu00T6MZzUyacibzodA1bGTib2iOzN-gIwl7RJ1JaJYtLS9uEf3fGSWNoNpleA8-H3/s1600/unnamed-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="348" data-original-width="463" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEWs6hEOvMJonIQVerADzGvG8H0IzoRo-_UzbtCZk3IqQgFGRdm_L0I2kwchBNCSOYF9d0W9f7jUuu00T6MZzUyacibzodA1bGTib2iOzN-gIwl7RJ1JaJYtLS9uEf3fGSWNoNpleA8-H3/s320/unnamed-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I recently
descended into anxious depression from which I am only just emerging.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The fact that my
emotional plummet coincided with a series of natural disasters made
my own distress feel somewhat banal even as I suffered. I knew, as I always do,
that others were suffering more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Unfortunately,
this knowledge fails to diminish my turmoil, which I can feel invading
me over a period of weeks or days. I become weaker in mind, find it hard to
enjoy normal activities, avoid social interaction. My outlook darkens. Then I begin to despair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Usually, I sense
the depression arriving from afar, like the rumble signaling a subway’s approach before its headlights appear in the tunnel. I can’t jump the turnstile or dart up the stairs. Despite my best efforts, there’s no turning back. My ability to use
my rational mind or to experience any pleasure – even with my own children –
slithers into the darkness. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">It feels like a hostile
takeover of my brain – one that I am powerless to stop. This lack of control exacerbates
the anguish I experience and heightens my fear about what is happening, despite
the fact that I have been through it over and over again – despite the
knowledge that it does not last forever. And I panic, feeling like I am down in the claustrophobic tunnel alone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">But I am not, in
fact, alone and am incredibly fortunate to have a compassionate husband and an effective psychopharmacologist and psychiatrist who have been helping me for much
of the past two decades. This time, as always, I put out my panic calls. I
describe my agony to my therapist. My psychopharmacologist adjusts my
medications. (I take a cocktail of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety
prescriptions and have had to abandon so many through the years because of
severe side effects or lack of results that I could fill a small pharmacy.) But
truthfully, my doctors can do only slightly more than anyone else I am close to
when I feel so black and blue that I question whether I want to go on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am never truly
suicidal since what I really want is a more joyful, peaceful, productive life
with my family and my work. I would never abandon my children. But I would be
lying if I denied that there were days when I felt like giving up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">This time, my
psychopharmacologist started me on an anti-psychotic that I had not yet tried. Thankfully, I do not suffer from psychosis, but at lower doses these medications can be
used to treat depression. And they tend to be faster acting than, for instance,
SSRIs – all of which I’ve been through.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The first few
days on the new prescription continued to be torturous, taking an embarrassing
amount of strength just to make my children’s lunches, take a shower, visit the
grocery store. But then, as the hours passed today, I felt like someone was tugging
a shroud from my mind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I was able to
notice the delicate purple flowers at my daughter’s school. I read an article
from start to finish. I concentrated on a radio program about Puerto Rico’s
devastation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I began to think again about people outside of myself and to feel gratitude for what I have and
for what those around me have given me during this most recent bout
of pain. I proved to myself once more that life is worth living – that I
will survive no matter how often my broken brain drags me down into the
shadows. And I decided to write about my experience to continue to extend the dialogue about depression and anxiety, which are truly chronic diseases of the mind.</span></div>
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Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-68539442787907652352017-09-15T17:56:00.000-07:002017-09-15T17:56:56.429-07:00Forces of Nature<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8tM-Am-J0Ro7j066cIZFHw5qkd9o4mvjr9gFIlblyLST_qFh96xbFS4SFVQSxNn0TO1U28V-kfPs4GUzgjcUh3y-bxU2lwDQMXkxe4aLBxYU3rJZ4a94q-tFHURcQr2qX4px5fswpGFT_/s1600/unnamed-14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="637" data-original-width="478" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8tM-Am-J0Ro7j066cIZFHw5qkd9o4mvjr9gFIlblyLST_qFh96xbFS4SFVQSxNn0TO1U28V-kfPs4GUzgjcUh3y-bxU2lwDQMXkxe4aLBxYU3rJZ4a94q-tFHURcQr2qX4px5fswpGFT_/s320/unnamed-14.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As Hurricane Irma barreled through
the Caribbean and Florida, I was preoccupied with following its path of
destruction, especially because my in-laws, though thankfully in Pennsylvania
at the time, travel between here and Florida where they have permanent
residence. During the hurricane, they hovered over their television set and
computer, tracking models for the storm’s passage, fretting about their home
and knowing that there was nothing they could do. At the same time, we were all
feeling for those who lost everything – too many their lives.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">An academic who spoke at a recent Drexel
University conference about reimagining health in cities highlighted how we are
entering a new epoch that will register in the fossil record. “We are now
acknowledging that human culture is a force in nature,” said Anthony Capon,
professor of planetary health at the University of Sydney, Australia.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But I would be dishonest if I were
to say that the sum total of my consciousness was consumed by following this
latest example of how global warming – and human action – was increasing the
frequency and intensity of extreme weather events. Instead, I was thinking
mostly about the transition our youngest child, 7, was making to a new school.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">She did not have to leave the public
school where she was mostly happy, despite an allergic reaction to gym and some
of the usual girl-on-girl tensions. But outside our family, our youngest is
reticent, prone to behaving well but keeping her mouth shut. She is the third
sibling, trailing behind 10-year-old brother-sister twins. A summer birthday,
our daughter is young for her class – the youngest both at home and school. And
my husband and I were concerned that with the current enrollment bubble in our
school district, and the trailers popping up on the elementary school field, it
might be wise to shift her to private, if we could possibly swing it, which we
were more than blessed to admit that with some shaving here and there, we
could.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
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<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Our twins are already so well
established in the public school that to even consider uprooting them from
their habitats and friendships would be cruel. They are thriving just where they
are. But our third child, though having made some close friends, was still in the
incipient stages of forming permanent connections. It was now or never. So we leapt
her at the last minute to a nearby Quaker school.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This choice came against our
daughter’s will. A creature of habit, she wanted to continue with the routine
that she already knew. She could not grasp that we were making tremendous
sacrifices to give her the gift of private education: 16 students in her class,
two recesses a day, art, music, and physical education several times a week.
From her perspective, she was the one making a sacrifice, giving up the known
for the unforeseeable future. And she clung onto the past mightily, with all of
the will in her thin little 7-year-old frame.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I don’t want to go to school! I
hate school!” she wailed. “I want it to be the end of the year!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The end-of-the-year comment was
partly a reaction to my misguided, in-the-moment,
trying-to-get-her-ready-for-the-change remark that if her new school was awful
that she could always go back to public. I soon realized that she was clinging
to this concept as her way out, as a way to avoid transitioning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">So I undertook the painful task of
trying to disabuse her of this notion, explaining that she would not return to
her old school and that I was confident she would make new friends and adjust
to her present environment. This lecture, of course, made our daughter even
more furious. When I heard Capon speak about forces of nature, I immediately
thought of our youngest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But my tough love may have actually
done some good. At the end of the first week, our daughter came out of school
smiling. She confessed that she had played with a new friend. Her teacher
emailed me a positive report. When I bribed our daughter with a new coloring
book if she continued to strive to learn more students’ names, she began
rattling off her classmates, displaying a deeper immersion in her school than I
had realized she had already made. And our daughter, though still occasionally
putting up a fight or breaking down, has on the whole been more and more ready
each day for her new school.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">What this experience so far has
re-taught me as a parent – a lesson that I have had a very difficult time
learning – is that our children often put their best selves out into the world,
screwing up their courage and making it work in the moment, saving their
painful emotions and meltdowns for home. Not only is this fine, but it is also
appropriate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Kids need to be able to express
themselves within the confines of family – all of their feelings – not just
their positive ones, but also their less savory reactions. While it is our job
as parents to civilize them, children need the freedom to act like barbarians
within the safety of our embrace. I have had to accept, yet again, during this
new school transition that what I’m seeing may not be the whole picture: that I
have to take the worst in order to help my child achieve the best.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">And not for one second would I want
to squelch our daughter’s passions, her fiery reactions to what happens in her
life, which sometimes strike with a hurricane’s ferocity. But as long as she
saves her rages for me and her father – as long as she steers out into the
world away from the self-destructive toward the productive – I have hope for us
as parents and for her future as a citizen of this turbulent world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-64986195177495960212017-07-16T17:34:00.001-07:002017-07-16T17:34:50.081-07:00Trying to grasp onto a wondrous day
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJc6rIlbE-rFGfqHLYAe9YkAUHG68gANaJgqKP9lgunu6NhqwVNx7NcDTyLTZajga5xdIAkudI1Apw-fYtR6GSguhYP7V8dNYDVb5zt-nPT72SGr24vvJRRmDqRTOEr8PNMekiRTd7UgZi/s1600/FullSizeRender+%252859%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJc6rIlbE-rFGfqHLYAe9YkAUHG68gANaJgqKP9lgunu6NhqwVNx7NcDTyLTZajga5xdIAkudI1Apw-fYtR6GSguhYP7V8dNYDVb5zt-nPT72SGr24vvJRRmDqRTOEr8PNMekiRTd7UgZi/s320/FullSizeRender+%252859%2529.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I would be
dishonest if I failed to admit how much of the time with our three children
feels like a grind. But every once in a while, a wondrous day appears out of
nowhere like a magic pebble that I want to hold onto forever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I had a feeling
I might be graced with one of those mystical days when about 5 o’clock this
morning our 7-year-old daughter crawled into our bed. For the next
two hours, we shared a sleep-cushioned cuddle – such a rare treat now that our
twins are 10 and Jane is entering second grade.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">All too soon, she scooted off to find some more amusing activity. Then my husband left me to play squash. While he was out, however, our three kids failed to
pester me, doing I’m not sure what while I slept in until
9 a.m. – an hour at which I’m usually dropping someone somewhere, tidying up the
house, or staring into my computer’s blinking, blank screen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">When I finally
traipsed downstairs, I had a sudden craving for smoothies. I found fruit,
yogurt and enough juice left to make do. The blender, buried unused in the back of the
cupboard for years, miraculously still worked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The girls sliced up the bananas and strawberries, sliding them into the glass cylinder. They
giggled as they pushed the blender's buttons – only once removing the lid too soon,
causing a minor explosion that wasn’t really that hard to mop up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Jeff returned refreshed
from his workout. Georgia was delighted to go to a friend’s. So Jane and I went
solo to the Skatium to meet her buddy. They spent the full hour-and-a-half
circling the rink, all smiles, even when they smacked down on their knobbly
knees and tender bottoms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I enjoyed
watching from the sidelines, feeling only slightly guilty for abandoning any
exercise for the day, myself. Instead, I caught up with my friend. We marveled
at how fast our kids were growing up, but I was still able, for once, to enjoy the moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">A humid 86
degrees was a welcome relief and quickly thawed my numb toes as we
walked back to the minivan. Jane aired only minor complaints when we stopped at the
store to collect some groceries. To my surprise, she discarded her bag of chips,
agreeing to share dark chocolate pretzels with me, instead, as an after-skate
treat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I was in such
good humor that when I returned home and saw that the wreckage that
only a tornado could have left in its wake, I didn’t even mind
repairing the damage. As I worked on the kitchen, I gazed through the window
at Jeff playing soccer with Griffin in the yard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijH0J15i-Z4nsnAsmu38PHuM2UakPjmoz28bFvE5d6nrmu4dOfklhTmY6sFgvAc0H-YZhStAlIy6TU5zcG4iIinauFcQ1WaH4XY6-LZCd6_l8-N-dPKytndvrGCetFHc2BpQUWzPzsXbn1/s1600/FullSizeRender+%252860%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijH0J15i-Z4nsnAsmu38PHuM2UakPjmoz28bFvE5d6nrmu4dOfklhTmY6sFgvAc0H-YZhStAlIy6TU5zcG4iIinauFcQ1WaH4XY6-LZCd6_l8-N-dPKytndvrGCetFHc2BpQUWzPzsXbn1/s320/FullSizeRender+%252860%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Then the kids started
to build forts out of couch cushions, blankets and chairs. Off-duty, I played
17 rounds of solitaire. I cheated only slightly more than usual to win three
times. And no one complained about the Ryan Adams Radio I was streaming on Pandora.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Our son actually
said, “Thank you for making dinner, even though it wasn’t very good.” Jane
nibbled a few bites of turkey. Then everyone left me alone again long enough
before bedtime to write about the riches the day had delivered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">When the bickering recommences tomorrow and Jane melts down about having to do instructional swim at camp; when Georgia freaks out because she can't find her favorite flip flops and Griffin refuses to eat what I cooked; when everything seems to be souring and I face the usual tedious challenges </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">– I want to remember how fulfilled I feel right in this moment </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">– to grasp onto this magic pebble for as long as I can.</span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-26360282746370857842017-07-05T19:54:00.000-07:002017-07-05T19:54:31.330-07:00Anxiety disorders deserve equal treatment with other diseases<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6Lc6VQ9xAVt6dNqgm2lmm7HsM3RNjsR4Tn8uBIyW5HEp3egh1i4RO7IekxDw9vdCxTcgnSfecv5LFqfG5QSlTzbUKcEwgZ1trNVIHtH5tbbBG14G4BrCKByJDctWUAIqmy2LCK8uGWvws/s1600/FullSizeRender+%252831%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6Lc6VQ9xAVt6dNqgm2lmm7HsM3RNjsR4Tn8uBIyW5HEp3egh1i4RO7IekxDw9vdCxTcgnSfecv5LFqfG5QSlTzbUKcEwgZ1trNVIHtH5tbbBG14G4BrCKByJDctWUAIqmy2LCK8uGWvws/s320/FullSizeRender+%252831%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">My <a href="http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/opinion-and-essays/item/101328-essay-this-is-what-depression-feels-like&Itemid=&Itemid=2020&linktype=hp_opinionessays">depression</a> can
be debilitating at times, doing its best to suck the joy out of
ordinary and extraordinary events and making it hard for me to complete even
diurnal tasks, such as paying bills or taking a shower. But my anxiety
frequently demonstrates its own persistence, relentless rumination pulling me
away from the present moment with a tireless fervor. Trying to determine which
is worse, the depression or the anxiety, would be like Robert Frost’s musing
that though he “favors” those who “say the world will end in fire,” he also
knows “enough of hate/To say that for destruction ice/Is also great/And would
suffice.” My depression and anxiety vie with each other to wreak havoc on my
life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Lately I’ve
found that the anxiety is winning out. I am wrestling with it at a daily level
– for a confluence of reasons I am reluctant to detail here – that is too high for
me to stand. So I did what I always do at these times: consulted
my psychopharmacologist, whom I have seen for nearly two decades, to ask if we
could tweak the cocktail of medications I take. Together, we are working on a
plan that is already making me feel more reassured and less alone. And I
continue to engage in psychoanalysis, an intensive form of talk therapy that I
credit, along with medications (I have tried at least 17 through
the years), for keeping me from landing in one of the heroin shooting galleries
I have been writing about in my work as a freelance journalist – for
keeping me, despite some thankfully unsuccessful early attempts, from taking my
own life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">At its worst,
my anxiety will spin me nearly out of control. Anything
can set me off on an hours-long round of self-inflicted torture: an editor’s
lukewarm email, a temporary loss of temper with my three young children, a bill
from a contractor. Will the editor ever accept another one of my stories? Will
my kids suffer permanent psychological damage from my outburst? Will we go bankrupt? No
amount of reassurance from my husband or close friends makes a dent in my
worries, yet my craving for statements, such as “it will be ok,” are insatiable.
I also experience more mundane obsessive-compulsive symptoms, such as checking and rechecking to make
sure the oven is off, driving away from the house and fretting that I left the
hose running, making sure my credit card has not somehow crept out of my
wallet. My brain is like a police scanner, constantly trolling for the next
potential emergency. I often feel like I will never figure out how to
switch it off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Not conceding unhealthy rumination power over my life is a constant struggle. Medication helps. I
am proud of the ongoing work I am doing in therapy. Gazing back through the years, I can see how far I have come. But I also know that staving off my
demons is an all-out war that may never really end. When I’m in a tailspin, I must muster tremendous discipline to put on my headphones and go for a run. At the
end, although my problems are hardly resolved, I always feel better. Similarly,
I feel a cathartic release at times in my therapy. And I can tell when a new
dose or a new medication is effectively dulling the sharpest edges my
anxiety. Those are the positive times, the moments when I can enjoy watching
our daughters dance to Tween Party Radio in the backyard and marvel at how well
my son passes the ball during his soccer game. Those are the times my husband
and I are able to discuss the film we just saw, instead of my latest obsession.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am writing
this essay not to elicit sympathy or to reveal too much about my private life,
but rather to insist to those who also suffer from anxiety that they are not
alone. Anxiety disorders affect <a href="https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/prevalence/any-anxiety-disorder-among-adults.shtml">40 million adults in this country</a>, nearly 20 percent of the population. And yet there is not enough treatment. Just as former Surgeon General Vivek
Murthy stated in his report last year on Facing Addiction in America – in which
he touted medication-assisted treatment, combined with counseling, as the new
gold standard for addressing substance use disorders – the same, I believe
proves true when addressing other mental health issues. Only through a
combination of quality therapy and medication oversight have I made it to
middle age and been able to have and raise three thriving children, maintain a
sturdy marriage, and pursue a reporting and writing career. I realize even within my deepest distress how lucky I am to be able to afford the help I need.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Because so many people can't access the treatment they deserve, and with so many
threats to healthcare in this country, I feel even more compelled right now to
share my personal struggles. The more people who do not suffer from mental illnesses
understand about the vicious natures of these diseases, the more compassionately people will
respond to those who are furiously struggling with what are truly diseases of
the brain. But not until we, as a country, de-stigmatize mental health issues
will adequate care arrive for so many who cannot tap into it now and who will
have an even harder time reaching it when Republicans dismantle Obamacare.
People should view these brain diseases – and in this I include substance use
disorders, which often go hand-in-hand with depression, anxiety, bipolar
disorder and schizophrenia – in the same light as any other serious illness,
whether it be diabetes, cancer or heart disease. And the treatment should be
equally aggressive since mental illness is truly life threatening.</span></div>
Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-74622283617697857132017-05-30T18:44:00.000-07:002017-05-30T18:44:16.968-07:00A spring of robin's eggs and little fawns<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Glancing out my
dining room windows a few weeks ago, I noticed something resting inside one of
the ivy baskets hanging from the ceiling of our front porch. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Could it be a nest?</i> I wondered, feeling
my excitement mount. We had never had a nest before. Sure enough, when I
stepped outside to take a peek, I saw the telltale brown woven pattern of a
bird’s handiwork. Inside were four Tiffany blue robin’s eggs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMPDrXxyfWM34keZiIi7S9oMTskQYmcJLkAreTbetVb8inRVIWcNI7duJg3W6GVh6vZj7ief5GweR_mXuxCFWKFExFpR29zYQh7gJ2UK4XHtt-oB4ol5s1Bw3By0hsJwitdLEc3kIXQBk9/s1600/FullSizeRender+%252824%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMPDrXxyfWM34keZiIi7S9oMTskQYmcJLkAreTbetVb8inRVIWcNI7duJg3W6GVh6vZj7ief5GweR_mXuxCFWKFExFpR29zYQh7gJ2UK4XHtt-oB4ol5s1Bw3By0hsJwitdLEc3kIXQBk9/s320/FullSizeRender+%252824%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Every morning, I
looked to see if the mother robin was in her perch. She usually was. Every
evening, I wished her a peaceful rest. When she left for a break during the
day, I stood on a chair near the nest and snapped pictures of her perfect eggs.
Then I showed my own three children how spectacular they were. “Will they
hatch?” my 6-year-old wanted to know. I said I assumed they would but could
make no promises. Then a week or so later, they most certainly did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I stood on my
chair again, gazing at what were admittedly somewhat funny looking,
scrunched-up little pink forms, naked of feathers, their heads buried under one
another. They were not at this stage recognizable as birds. I watched the
mother sit on them day and night, keeping them warm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Then a few days
further along, I saw delicate beaks reaching out of the nest, yawning open,
begging for regurgitated worms. When we get bored, my kids and I traipsed out
to the porch to watch fascinated as the mother robin disgorged meals into the
baby robins’ mouths. The constant feedings were effective. Pretty soon the
robin babies were growing feathers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRXXoNzKVHDaTnkKKOnJcOPLhArAzL7_QZLlz8NofIoM0a2x1vum_cxVQdeWQxE4WAip21o8t8jXwPSfbt9iUJiTBUtICY8rNM5HKrG5d3x57RbjBBOvcBJ_h-naYN-5NTGXkxaPRWgvAz/s1600/FullSizeRender+%252828%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRXXoNzKVHDaTnkKKOnJcOPLhArAzL7_QZLlz8NofIoM0a2x1vum_cxVQdeWQxE4WAip21o8t8jXwPSfbt9iUJiTBUtICY8rNM5HKrG5d3x57RbjBBOvcBJ_h-naYN-5NTGXkxaPRWgvAz/s320/FullSizeRender+%252828%2529.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Now the baby
robins are so big that I know longer have to stand on a chair to see their
entire bodies. They rest one on top of the other, sticking out of the nest, beaks
intertwined, their feathers growing thicker each day. Only three of the four,
sadly, have survived. I glossed over this fact with my children, focusing
instead on the mother’s careful care. And I’ve thought over and over through
the weeks how much work it is being a mother, how hard this little lady robin
was laboring to see these birds into maturity, to keep them well fed and warm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNdi7ijPkqhUORsWP25OJ6JI8Z2LqPKl3FmO-JyWNWceKCne9lRzxIaMEcgR-hsmZcK22E91DIJ5CK3AqlhYi9_jWFamFZT3F6yThmwya3nuW_n98dAn4OJD4VhTWe-sN9N38dYerwr66N/s1600/FullSizeRender+%252829%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNdi7ijPkqhUORsWP25OJ6JI8Z2LqPKl3FmO-JyWNWceKCne9lRzxIaMEcgR-hsmZcK22E91DIJ5CK3AqlhYi9_jWFamFZT3F6yThmwya3nuW_n98dAn4OJD4VhTWe-sN9N38dYerwr66N/s320/FullSizeRender+%252829%2529.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’ve also been
feeling a bit mournful knowing that the time these robins will spend with us is
limited. Soon the babies will be big enough to hop around our yard for a few
days before they take flight. I viewed this nest and these birds as gift to remind me about the tender side of motherhood and the ephemerality of what at times feels like the endless tedium of producing meals and
breaking up fights.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">These are the
topics my friend and I often discuss on our walks together through nearby West
Laurel Hill Cemetery. We were talking about our families, in fact, just the
other day when a tiny fawn starting mewing at us from the top of the
hill. We stopped in our tracks as it descended the steep embankment on shaky
legs, crying all the while, and came right up to us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnkkS_Wm-MornueCXdfcHzUHTpnfhndRyRz3YMsCbxjGyP4n7oGXEoXEWryRrUEG7CattsHy5QyzsedXLrAYfMM_vWfJiyTnVBBJvy9lTUK526tq6_DSJYmn4p6UQThciNgF9RuOrIVTfE/s1600/IMG_1629.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnkkS_Wm-MornueCXdfcHzUHTpnfhndRyRz3YMsCbxjGyP4n7oGXEoXEWryRrUEG7CattsHy5QyzsedXLrAYfMM_vWfJiyTnVBBJvy9lTUK526tq6_DSJYmn4p6UQThciNgF9RuOrIVTfE/s320/IMG_1629.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thinking it
might be sick, we crept backward a bit, somewhat alarmed, careful not to touch
it. We called the Schuylkill Center's Wildlife Clinic to find out what to do. The woman
who answered informed us that the fawn’s
behavior was totally normal, that does leave their babies alone most of the
time, spending only between five and ten minutes a day tending to them.
Apparently, such limited contact is actually safer for fawns, because then the
mothers' smell does not dominate them, putting them in less danger of being
hunted as prey.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">After hearing
this, I felt partly reassured that all was ok. But I was also broken hearted to
learn about this routine abandonment – though totally natural – that all fawns
suffer, having to make their own way in the world nearly all by themselves
right from the start. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCpw8uIhQro66COpjQNas-IjXXITo6sKjuPcpXJFzfl1HiSi6rlShKJvLiEMoFR5zjmuNvY-f3JOMEPe699vkJTgZqpW97AkqbHlqHYXLkIDLBvAVLkrVTiTDOQn6cXoFtxySUr-ydPaG-/s1600/IMG_1630.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCpw8uIhQro66COpjQNas-IjXXITo6sKjuPcpXJFzfl1HiSi6rlShKJvLiEMoFR5zjmuNvY-f3JOMEPe699vkJTgZqpW97AkqbHlqHYXLkIDLBvAVLkrVTiTDOQn6cXoFtxySUr-ydPaG-/s320/IMG_1630.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The process of
parenting assumes myriad shapes for different species. I have had the privilege
of witnessing two forms up close of late. But despite the obvious
differences between my kind of mothering and those of robins and does (I neither regurgitate food into my babies’ mouths nor abandon my young in forests each day) we share a common goal: the scaffolding of
appropriate support to build our children toward independent adulthood. As the
tired but true saying goes, if we do our job well, we put ourselves out of
business.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">My friend and I had to say goodbye to the fawn. Soon my family will bid adieu to the little robins as they flutter out into the world. All of these farewells have made me realize yet again the importance of hanging on to the small moments – even on the most trying days – because my own children, too, will be gone all too soon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-45997087688062039162017-05-26T00:15:00.001-07:002017-05-26T00:15:19.224-07:00Learning to love the "Star Wars" theme<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf4zk8ve5cCYLEnHCebyt4WeSoej8c9sSNr2ZL7eDHK0xvWCkvND3xqOcyImtw3qcFbYKfQYBd8zbSTzNW7jRivCaijT5IzgNgw0h0c_Oas1Hk6PE0JHLxNPtSvY9Odcjk2eWp5F496Jg7/s1600/IMG_2536.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf4zk8ve5cCYLEnHCebyt4WeSoej8c9sSNr2ZL7eDHK0xvWCkvND3xqOcyImtw3qcFbYKfQYBd8zbSTzNW7jRivCaijT5IzgNgw0h0c_Oas1Hk6PE0JHLxNPtSvY9Odcjk2eWp5F496Jg7/s200/IMG_2536.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">One of the
wonderful things about having children is that they introduce you to new
experiences – to worlds you never inhabited in your own youth. I have found
this to be true with our 10-year-old twins who decided upon entering fourth
grade that they were going to take up their elementary school’s offering of
music lessons; Griffin chose the clarinet, and Georgia selected the violin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Admittedly, at
first, I was a bit annoyed. I have a musically talented friend who admonished
me about the importance of children playing instruments, about how it enriches
their learning. But I had made it through my life thus far instrument free and
comfortable with that fact, and I frankly did not want to listen to the
practicing, especially all of a sudden times two.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Nonetheless, I
dutifully drove the local music shop to rent the instruments, where, much to my dismay, even the owner – who is supposed
to promote her business – groaned when I announced why I was there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Oh boy,” she
said. “Do you want me to throw in a pair of earplugs?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">That afternoon,
when our twins returned from school, I knew for sure that we were in for it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Griffin couldn’t figure out how to screw together his clarinet. I caught his arm just as he was about to throw the uncooperative instrument across the room. Georgia, on the other hand, easily unearthed
her violin from its case and began sawing away, managing to coax from the
strings what sounded like a goose's death throes. Not to be outdone by his twin sister, Griffin finally
assembled his clarinet and was soon merrily honking away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Do you think
they’ll really stick with this?” I asked my husband over the cacophony when he returned
from work. “I don’t know how much I can take.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I had a tension
headache the size of Texas, and we were only on day one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Griffin,
however, quickly discovered that if he left his clarinet each afternoon in the
corridor outside the fourth-grade classrooms, he could avoid practicing
altogether. But Georgia diligently practiced each evening before bed, even when
I begged her not to, unsure that my nerves could take another round of the
“Star Wars” theme.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">One day, however,
I realized that the music ricocheting around our house was not quite as
unpleasant as it had been just weeks earlier. Suddenly, I understood that our
daughter was getting it. She was actually playing. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">And soon she announced that she had been chosen as one of a select group
to attempt a more challenging section of the “Star Wars” theme at the spring
concert.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">As we settled into our
seats, I wondered just how excruciating the performance would be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">But when the
band began to play “Frere Jaques” in rounds, I stared with amazement at my son
– the same one who never ever practiced – hitting all the right notes, his blond hair highlighted under a
spotlight. I even choked up watching my
daughter bow her way through the “Star Wars” theme amongst a sea of tiny
violins. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I have to say
that I was a little more familiar with Georgia’s songs that with yours,” I told
Griffin as we drove toward the local frozen yogurt shop to celebrate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">He laughed and said
that he was probably going to retire from his clarinet career. But Georgia said
she was determined to persevere, even though it meant practicing over the
summer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">And as I watched
them fish gummy worms out of their frozen yogurt and chat with their friends, I
felt the rush of it all passing by too quickly – but also happy to see my
children stepping out further into the world, more into themselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-15053074259820848292017-04-07T20:11:00.000-07:002017-04-07T20:11:36.779-07:00S-Town's transgressions are its strengths<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0w6NC3KxaIzj71MhK5YsR_lvsS6h7VeEFCf29Aj0_lWHj4QzRIs5waWQe3MNJ4p1m6JCQ5-FD2KCYjJf-GGXfMm1Z7_cbto2mGBoRXgmlkai8pBNIfikTb8n_LS14Rv73DC1VDgILcCVV/s1600/imgres-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0w6NC3KxaIzj71MhK5YsR_lvsS6h7VeEFCf29Aj0_lWHj4QzRIs5waWQe3MNJ4p1m6JCQ5-FD2KCYjJf-GGXfMm1Z7_cbto2mGBoRXgmlkai8pBNIfikTb8n_LS14Rv73DC1VDgILcCVV/s320/imgres-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I recently
devoured the new podcast S-Town – by the producers of “Serial” and “This
American Life” – over the course of two days, playing all seven episodes back-to-back
while walking the dog, making meals, folding laundry, and supposedly taking
care of my kids. I took a deep dive into the life of the troubled protagonist, John
B., who invites host Brian Reed to Woodstock, Ala., to investigate a murder. At
first the listener thinks this is going to be a real-life-crime-drama. But it
turns out the murder is a decoy for what becomes a journey into the depths of
one man’s troubled psyche and that of his small town.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">John B. rants
about Woodstock’s warts, repeatedly referring to it as “Shittown,” which
becomes a mantra throughout the podcast. But this is not just the story of a
Flannery O’Connor/William Faulkner-esque Southern gothic horror-scape. It is
the universal tale of the terrors that can befall the human mind, using John
B.’s particularly perplexing psychology as its text.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">In his
conversations with the reporter and through Reed’s digging into his history,
relationships, and motivations after John B.’s surprising death (I’ve not
revealed everything here), we learn that this sharp-witted savant and
clockmaker is not just preoccupied with the depravity of his own town but also
with tracking the impact of climate change, maintaining his hedge maze, taking
care of his failing mother, and sharing his thoughts, which he does
relentlessly with the narrator for hours that turn into years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Well, not quite
everything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">John B. never comes
fully out of the closet, wanting to keep his sexuality secret for fear of
backlash from his intolerant neighbors. He fails to inform his interviewer
about his darker habits that become obsessions as he nears his death – drives
that I will not describe here for fear of spoiling the end. In fact, it is
these complex final chapters that seem to have generated the media storm of
controversy, one that has infected even on my own Facebook feed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">A friend argued
that the podcast “felt like it went in a direction that neither John B. nor I,
the listener, consented to.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Another person
wrote that “by the end, it seemed invasive and wrong.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I share these
critiques to some extent, but I would not go as far as some reviewers who say that,
despite its brilliance, Shittown never should’ve been made.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Though it
transgresses boundaries, I believe its very transgressions are the podcast’s
strengths. Without them, we would not have such a compelling portrait of the human
mind’s capacity for greatness and tragedy. We all have murky depths we’d rather
not expose to light. The difference, perhaps, for many of us (but not all) is
one of degree – and the fact that we do not have someone taping us to death. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">In exploring the
devolution of one man’s – and one town’s – mental health, the producers raise
questions about our own potential to unravel. Without certain support
structures, implicitly unavailable to John B. because of his geography and/or
his personal limitations, where would we, as listeners, find ourselves if
trapped in a Southern gothic setting, within the confines of our own worst
inclinations?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">John B. is extreme, but his problems and actions rest within the realm of possibility for at least some of us. And by painting his portrait and that of his town, the producers encourage listeners to more closely inspect themselves </span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px;">– always a worthy enterprise, at least in my estimation.</span></div>
Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-64138606460862038872017-03-19T01:34:00.002-07:002017-03-19T01:56:16.414-07:00The badlands<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRqNrYpn-fKmP03m8M7pUUUCubEyilHV5GJKX6Fy1tABFny8v_DoT51hlm2d6r5H34NY73YdcN6vMjZNlOp21uehL_OD6KI3Q2Nse61anpSvp7GzT3ryWJMozOiSWnUFm3DcAT2xetVvuH/s1600/unnamed-46.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRqNrYpn-fKmP03m8M7pUUUCubEyilHV5GJKX6Fy1tABFny8v_DoT51hlm2d6r5H34NY73YdcN6vMjZNlOp21uehL_OD6KI3Q2Nse61anpSvp7GzT3ryWJMozOiSWnUFm3DcAT2xetVvuH/s320/unnamed-46.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">“Let me remind
you, you are in the United States of America,” said the DEA agent I was with,
as we walked away from the needle-strewn encampments in the badlands of
Philadelphia.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The images I saw during my first foray into that heartbreaking gulch leading
down to the Conrail tracks are hard to shake, even if I wanted to. But I don’t, because this is real life. Real people who deserve respect live in
this horror-scape of suffering, injecting themselves with heroin alongside
heaping piles of what I at first thought was general garbage but upon closer inspection realized contained mostly empty syringe
wrappers. The agent said that it actually looked like the city’s sanitation department had been around to clean up a bit. It sure didn’t seem like it to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Used needles
were scattered everywhere—even with nearby Prevention Point Philadelphia, one
of the largest syringe exchanges on the East Coast, having collected more than
2 million used syringes last year. I saw one guy perch on what looked like a
discarded speaker right in the sea of castoff needle skins and
take out his works. Another man shot himself in the thigh in the dirt under
a bridge. Another man came out of one of the shacks built from plywood and
tarps and vomited into the vast stretch of trash.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The mood was
taut. “You’re in more danger than you realize,” muttered one guy as he prepared
his fix in the “lounge” that consists of an old office chair and another that looked like it used to sit in someone’s kitchen and a chipped side table that
could have once rested beside someone’s bed. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">People were understandably
reluctant to talk to me, though several of them did say that they hated using heroin, that they were trying to get “unaddicted” but that they didn’t
know how. Some of them started yelling when they saw my friend’s camera. I
didn’t dare pull out my recording equipment. I felt
like a trespasser, an obtuse tourist, invading these people’s
territory and their homes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The DEA agent
called me after we left to say that he had never seen it so tense, that usually people were more willing to talk. He said that the “doctor”
– who will, for a fee, inject people who can’t find a vein – sometimes
lets outsiders look around his “office.” But not that day. In fact, the agent
thought that some of the people we saw were street-level dealers selling a new potent brand or handing out free samples. They do this to build loyalty, just like any savvy marketers.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The agent also said that the guy we saw
vomiting may have been having an adverse reaction to whatever he had just injected, that
he may have been in the early stages of an overdose. Should we have stayed? Dealers never ever take
their own stuff. “It would be suicide,” the agent said. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">In fact, there’s
no better publicity for a dealer than someone else OD’ing on his or her junk.
And someone did that day. Two hours after we left, police and medics responded
to a fatal overdose at the scene.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Unfortunately,
this is not uncommon. An average of three people a day suffered fatal overdoses in
Philadelphia last year, most of them with heroin or other opioids – such as
fentanyl, 80 to 100 times more potent than morphine, and carfentanil, 10,000
times more potent than morphine – in their systems and many of them in the
encampments or the fields along the tracks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I’m worried that
the person who died last week was the guy I gave my number to, who was afraid
to talk to me down in the gulley, who promised to get in touch later. He hasn’t
yet. I hope he does because I want to know how he’s doing and how he wound up leaving the suburbs,
dropping out of college, and landing in this hellhole. He was
sincere and friendly as we chatted while we walked out to Gurney Street. Of course, this
wasn’t the life he wanted. This wasn’t the future he had envisioned.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I know I have to go back. But
I don’t want to be disrespectful. This place is their home, and
these are their lives – and none of them want to be invaded. Nobody asked for this life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">At the same time,
these are stories that sit in my city’s backyard and need to be told. This is a
neglected population that merits our attention – and help if they want it. So I
guess I will keep wrestling with my role as a journalist, with how to move beyond the merely voyeuristic to convey this material in some purposeful way. I need to preserve the dignity of those I feel
compelled to learn more about and my own self-respect in the process.</span></div>
Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-76891415929701108662017-02-25T23:30:00.001-08:002017-02-26T05:46:30.290-08:00Taking mom for granted<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi73SBXy0SiAg5enSqIW7G8G979t6R47u7BX4wxYdro0OtAF0kI7b_HP03gq_GmlorKkJtW_CitL51b9yWK0gdjkv2QSGo_RUqi8cguZFcLtvRIoH7dXgZw2gpM5_B-n6jsVoEsQHkgzceG/s1600/unnamed-39.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="290" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi73SBXy0SiAg5enSqIW7G8G979t6R47u7BX4wxYdro0OtAF0kI7b_HP03gq_GmlorKkJtW_CitL51b9yWK0gdjkv2QSGo_RUqi8cguZFcLtvRIoH7dXgZw2gpM5_B-n6jsVoEsQHkgzceG/s320/unnamed-39.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">My children
frequently take me for granted, leaving their
pajamas strewn all over the floor, imagining, I suppose, that laundry happens
through levitation. I pack their lunches. I am guilty on too many occasions of even
making their beds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I stubbornly cling to the fantasy that my 10-year-old twins and 6-year-old
will greet me with hugs and highlights, bubbling over with warmth and stories
when they return from school. This rarely happens. More often than not I receive monosyllabic responses to my questions and fatigue-induced meltdowns, especially from my youngest, after
her long days.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Nonetheless, I continue to fortify
my kids with apples and peanut butter, pretzels and ice cream. I pick up the
papers they shed from their packs. I listen to my older daughter saw away at
her violin and my son bounce his basketball around the house. I apply Band-Aids
and wipe tears. I help find the leggings under the bed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Who would do all
of this, I wondered, when I recently prepared for a weeklong trip away for a
project. I made lists and went over schedules with my husband and
mother-in-law. I hired sitters to fill the gaps. But I still worried about all the nooks and crannies in each day. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Who would help my children lick their wounds and celebrate
their quiet victories from moment-to-moment while I was away? Would my husband remember to wash my son's basketball jersey in time for his game?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">As the
train sped from Philadelphia to New York City, however, my worries began to
recede with the graffiti-covered row houses sliding past the smudged window. I
started to focus on my upcoming work, my long-anticipated freedom. And I decided that my children would be fine—that they were, at least for now, someone else’s
problem—that is until I started receiving the texts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The babysitter
hadn’t shown up, Georgia wrote me from my mother-in-law’s phone. My
daughter was going to be late to a doctor’s appointment. After helping resolve
this crisis from afar, a fresh one materialized just a few hours later.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">“Mommy I’ve got
bad news: my star lights are not working and are not plugged in!!!!! Do you
know what might be wrong?” my daughter texted. “Tell me what you think I should
do!!!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I did. And then the next morning my daughter texted that her younger
sister wanted to borrow a tank top: “But I won’t lend her because a ton of
times I’ve never had one!!!!!! Stuff runs MUCH more smoothly with you. </span><span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">L</span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Occupied in a workshop when this missive came in, my phone soon started jumping around the table. “Mom REPLY!!!!!!!!" my daughter wrote. "Hello mom??? Reply or I will go
crazy. Where are you? I need you to reply pronto or I will blow up!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Even with nearly a hundred miles between us, I understood that I was never really going to get away.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">But
as the days passed, and my children started to miss me more, the love and news began trickling in. By going off and leaving my kids, I realized I was learning more about their day-to-day
lives than I did when I was home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">“Do you know about Planet x?” my older daughter
wondered. “We learned that it is really far out and it would take something
like 1,500 years to get there.
Whoa! So cool, right? At least that’s what I think Mr. MD said. I wasn’t really
paying too much attention but at least a mediocre amount.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">“Here’s a great quote: 'I didn’t wake up today to be mediocre,'" my daughter later texted. "I love good
quotes, don’t you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">My younger daughter wrote me about her
substitute and her art party at school. “I have to go on a walk. Dad read to
me. Love you,” she texted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">My son, the least communicative of the bunch, even
started to send his love.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Things began to unravel a bit again, however, as the days wore on. The children fought. My
husband frantically packed lunches, delivered kids to the bus stop and still tried to make it on time to work. My mother-in-laws’ nerves started to rub raw.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">“Gammy and
daddy aren’t the best subs for you," </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Georgia texted a few days before my return.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"> "</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I miss cuddling with you in your bed at
night.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">"BTW ‘Cool Kids’
is playing on my iPod right now,” she added, noting my favorite Tween Party
Radio song.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Finally, after
what I could tell from my children’s prolific communications had been a
particularly trying day, I asked if my husband needed me to come home early.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">“Yes,” he
replied. I stopped breathing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Then a few beats
later, he wrote, “Just kidding.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">And I ultimately realized that the separation was good for all of them</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">—that it forced them to wean themselves from my constant protection</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">—and made them appreciate, at least momentarily, how truly wonderful I really was.</span></div>
Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-55447079526820822922017-02-24T17:22:00.001-08:002017-02-25T04:38:09.493-08:00Right next door<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRK8tvqFUY-fMn6ZY5FTWLv9uuiFUyUs-WqRycAnyOYEWJ0KKg3TlohOc-74IFw3Lm3VJxlJzlLQ0RS64yx6uMFfSSrsdxXFmdekAOKF3_6bAEsl86t_JLTEm-6X1wccBPiwqgiTaiNOWO/s1600/unnamed-25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRK8tvqFUY-fMn6ZY5FTWLv9uuiFUyUs-WqRycAnyOYEWJ0KKg3TlohOc-74IFw3Lm3VJxlJzlLQ0RS64yx6uMFfSSrsdxXFmdekAOKF3_6bAEsl86t_JLTEm-6X1wccBPiwqgiTaiNOWO/s1600/unnamed-25.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Just before my
senior year at the University of Washington, I moved into a rambling, run-down
house with a roving cast of about a dozen other women. We stacked up together,
turning common spaces into sleeping nooks. The woodwork was grimy; brown shag carpet ran wall-to-wall. But we didn’t care. We were elated to have found a
home to hold the lot of us—and a landlord who would tolerate our nighttime
antics.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">We never thought
to ask why each room had its own sink and some of them even toilets. We failed
to notice the comings and goings next door. Self-absorbed and temporarily
energized into industriousness with outfitting our new nest, we borrowed vacuum
cleaners and mops. We scoured the sinks, toilets, and mirrors and sucked years
of dirt from the rug. Then we dragged in our mattresses and makeup, cranked up
our boom boxes, and started enjoying our new digs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Late one night,
however, a few of us tripped home from some festivity, drunk and ravenous, to
find what we least expected—a pile of human feces on our kitchen floor.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">We
screamed and scattered, leaving the offensive mass for someone else to clean
up. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">To this day, I
can’t remember who finally did. I just know it wasn’t me. I’m sure we failed to
give that roommate ample thanks, just as we soon forgot about the unsavory
incident in the fray of parties and studies.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">But then it
happened again, this time after a Halloween bash we hosted. Still dressed as
Axl Rose, I stumbled down in my bandana the next morning to discover another
mound, this time in our kitchen sink. After waking my hungover roommates with
my shrieks, we stood around gagging and gawking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The first time,
we thought it was some kind of fraternity prank gone wrong, but now it seemed
grave, more personal. We were scandalized. We had thought of ourselves as
accomplished and popular—immune to such naked acts of aggression. We scanned the list of who might have it in for us, who would have the balls to execute such an
appalling feat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">We never
considered calling the police. We were too mortified to mention the problem
outside our walls. Anyway, what would we do? Ask around?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Only much later
did it dawn on me that we must have been living on a block of halfway houses.
That would explain the individual sinks in each of our rooms and the men who
came and went from the homes on either side of ours. At the time, however, we
were so wrapped up in our college world that it didn’t occur to us that our
parties might be bothering the people around us or that others might be
struggling – might not have been lucky enough to attend college at all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Looking back
from the vantage point of my mid-40s, now raising three young children, what I
realize is that someone was probably not so much dumping on our popularity as
protesting our privilege. I see now how our entitlement blinded us to the point
where we failed to recognize those less fortunate than us—even when they lived
right next door.</span></div>
Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-22145041398436831322017-02-23T20:46:00.000-08:002017-02-23T20:46:51.248-08:00Taking to the streets with words<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I recently <a href="http://courtenayharrisbond.blogspot.com/2017/02/this-is-what-depression-feels-like.html">decided to write about my lifelong battle with depression</a> and anxiety, and I’m so glad that I did. The
response has been overwhelming. I am grateful to those who have reached out
through Facebook, Twitter, emails, texts and calls. I know now more than ever
that I am certainly not alone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Keep fighting the good fight,” a
stranger wrote. “I’m there with you, right by your side.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Many people have offered stories
about how they have gotten help. Others have thanked me for speaking out, for
giving voice to what for so long they themselves have been feeling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I’m sitting in the bathroom at
work, reading this and crying,” a friend of a friend posted on Facebook, adding
that I had articulated what she had trouble explaining to doctors, family and
friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I’m sure it was very difficult to
put this out there, but I think you were both brave and correct to do so,” someone
else wrote. “Seeing that others struggle with this, especially someone who I
bet many on this thread would’ve guessed had life by the tail, is helpful to
anyone also suffering or who cares for someone who does. Which is many, perhaps
even most, of us.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I do worry that writing openly about
my struggles may hurt my family or my career in some way. One person who
reached out to me after my original post said that her boss told her not to
speak at work about her depression or hospitalization.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“What’s the matter,” she responded.
“I can be queer, but I can’t be crazy?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">She said that “it was one thing to
be out as a lesbian. That was fine. But it wasn’t so fine to be out as a person
with mental illness.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Unfortunately, some people still
fail to understand that depression and other behavioral health issues—including
substance use disorders—are actual diseases. Just as someone with diabetes
needs ongoing treatment, people suffering from mental illness need respect,
support and care, not scorn. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It is hard enough to live with the
dark and unrelenting nature of depression and other mental health issues. People
who do so hardly need the shame of feeling as though they have a scarlet letter
emblazoned on their chests. And so I also wrote about my personal struggle
partly to explain what so many people go through with depression and to do my
part to combat the stigma that mental illness still bears.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Deconstructing the stigma attached
to behavioral health issues seems even more urgent right now when Trump is
pushing to repeal the Affordable Care Act and hordes of people stand to lose
their medical coverage, many who have been receiving some form of treatment for
mental illness for the first time in their lives. This threat to those
suffering from behavioral health issues—and to our collective well-being—also spurred
me to tell my story.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I did not join the women’s march in
Philadelphia, where I live, or travel in solidarity with so many others to
Washington. I didn’t knit a pink pussy hat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Instead, I decided to write about my
long-term battle with depression, to take to the streets through my words. Ultimately,
I decided that opening up right now was more important than hiding—that speaking
out was the very least I could do at a time when so much is at stake.</span></div>
Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-58482130299734434812017-02-19T21:33:00.000-08:002017-02-19T21:33:12.005-08:00This is what depression feels like<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkIZGbbYBXpklXwDsDRfpKSUcaxynpazb2VOS5Ud-wgey1iLNPM-sZw-m8W7XnWS-X9mrMrIIK8r2eft5UB3t5ldg9a92mYub3P5T1wWlFdlVaX-kDWUTMxzRifnUj3xCbzdcAWArOIGs8/s1600/photo+%252820%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkIZGbbYBXpklXwDsDRfpKSUcaxynpazb2VOS5Ud-wgey1iLNPM-sZw-m8W7XnWS-X9mrMrIIK8r2eft5UB3t5ldg9a92mYub3P5T1wWlFdlVaX-kDWUTMxzRifnUj3xCbzdcAWArOIGs8/s320/photo+%252820%2529.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">At times, I sink into a pit that's hard to scrabble out of. The world seems stark and hollow. My friends feel out of reach.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">The smallest
tasks seem insurmountable: paying a cell phone bill, lining up a household
repair. Sometimes just taking a shower or arranging a play date feels like more
than I can manage. My children’s squabbles make me want to scratch the walls. I
want to claw out of my own skin.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'times new roman';">I feel like the
light at the end of the tunnel is a solitary candle about to blow out at any moment.
At the same time, I feel like the pain will never end.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">This has been
happening as long for as I can remember.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Blame it on my
brain chemistry. Blame it on my troubled childhood. My lows are doubtless the
product of a combination of nature and nurture.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I have spent
years searching for an effective cocktail of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety
medications to shave off the edge of my worst symptoms without making me faint,
or jumpy, or nauseous. The roots of my depression remain the work of my therapy
sessions with the hope that understanding the origins of my suffering will free
me from its grasp.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">It’s not so much
what causes my depression that troubles me as how isolated it makes me feel and
how hopeless the world becomes under its influence. I know each dawn when I
face my demons that prescriptions and therapy will never ultimately be sufficient,
that I will always, fundamentally, fight this battle on my own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">At the same
time, I realize how ridiculous all of this is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I reside in a
nest of upper-middle-class white privilege. My children are healthy and
thriving, despite my personal problems that have nothing to do with them – that
entirely predate their birth. I have a sturdy scaffold of support: a wise and
enlightened husband, helpful in-laws, smart doctors and money to pay for the help
I so badly need.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I think, in a
way, that that is one of the aspects of depression that hurts the most. It robs
me of my reason.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I recall how
during a major depressive episode I suffered my freshman year of college a
psychiatrist advised me to grab hold of my rational side. But I just couldn’t
hang on. It was like one of those nightmares in which a monster is chasing you,
but you can’t make your legs move – a paradoxical combination of paralysis and
panic – a death spiral in slow motion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Sometimes, my
depression is a dull-witted sloth, batting at me with sloppy arms as I go about
my business. Occasionally, my depression is a roaring monster, shredding me
from the inside out while I fight back with every ounce of my strength, at the
same time still trying to get lunches packed, put on a brave face for the bus
stop moms, read “Ramona and Beezus” in an animated voice at bedtime.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I don’t really
feel sorry for myself, however. At least not all the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I have been
through the worst. I am a survivor. I have help. Therefore, I am lucky. I am
wiser and more empathetic for my pain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">But I do believe
that I have a disease. Whether it stems from how I was raised or how my brain is
wired, or both, is not the most pressing issue for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">What does feel
urgent for some reason right now is the knowledge I’ve gained with middle age that
although depression is one of the most isolating of human experiences, an army
of those who suffer from it roams this earth. Those of us who feel strong enough should speak more freely about our experiences. Maybe that will help kill the stigma of our disease and make us realize we are not alone.</span></div>
Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-57924163383862626412017-02-10T22:00:00.002-08:002017-02-10T22:00:32.012-08:00I am a proud wife<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJHvUqmkUQ0fBSrZA9mDSQy3kur6lkH9WwzWICyHHXo44viRWDTHKGg_lBkAe49Zx6szP_NaRoCIwp_Qo2eoFcVRKKNTidwWcIT9My8M4Ccgjg9jTmaUyBBdJzCUGQhdVFy-Mnh5z_SOgP/s1600/1471275_607294679307288_266999124_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJHvUqmkUQ0fBSrZA9mDSQy3kur6lkH9WwzWICyHHXo44viRWDTHKGg_lBkAe49Zx6szP_NaRoCIwp_Qo2eoFcVRKKNTidwWcIT9My8M4Ccgjg9jTmaUyBBdJzCUGQhdVFy-Mnh5z_SOgP/s320/1471275_607294679307288_266999124_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Tonight, I am a
proud wife.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I watched my
husband’s high school girls’ varsity basketball team clinch the league
championships. It was Jeff’s fourth trip to these same finals. His first win.
This definitely feels sweet, because the team deserves it. Jeff deserves it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">What Jeff does
as a coach, what he instills in his players—the basic idea of putting the good
of the group first—I also value for us as a family. He is a caring husband and
coach. Plus, he keeps me going, even when I
feel like it’s my first time on skis and somehow I’ve wound up on black-diamond
moguls.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">When our
children are squabbling and I’m climbing the walls, or when my lows feel
irretrievable, Jeff lifts us up with his there-ness. He steadies us with his
patience, with his equanimity. “Keep on keepin’ on,” is his motto. It’s what he
always tells me. This advice helps us as a family, and I think it helps his
teams, too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I know this
because tonight I witnessed how his players kept going, even when it looked
like the game might become the opponent’s. But Jeff’s team continued to pass
the ball. When a girl missed a foul shot, I saw him look at her and brush his chest.
“Brush it off,” he was saying, and she did. She made the next basket.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">He has to hang
onto those moments, because he works investment banker hours without the
salary. Jeff is at school evenings and weekends, gives players rides homes,
watches film late into the night. He does it day in and day out certainly in
part for the rewards he gets along the way: seeing one of his girls sink a three-pointer,
winning the rare championship. But he mostly does it because teaching and
coaching are his passion, because he truly believes that by helping future
generations he can make this world a better place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I know he makes
our family a better place. I’m grateful to him for that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">This is partly
why I felt so emotional tonight during his championship game, because he and
his team—our team—were finally being rewarded with victory, a sweet, hard-fought
and gratifying one, for sure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">In the chaotic
scheme of this universe, this win is fleeting and puny. It’s not something that
anyone will remember much after next week outside our family or the lives of
the players and their families. In the moraine of our collective experience,
this victory will wash itself into the accumulation of all the other ups and
downs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">But for now, for this small moment, I'm savoring the fact that I picked a winner, a truly good man. And these days, lord knows, that can be hard to find.</span></div>
Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-29444628091388499602017-02-04T01:04:00.000-08:002017-02-04T01:04:31.489-08:0010 Things To Do When You Can't Sleep
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhc_WAANgJ2-AXWBT_NY6rLbxPsmFXU6Y6rNgnpAVQwfyKEcHWJ6iclxUjLM01NGoj-k5hV66achWznB1VRO7JDFBwN0hXkCCpAKf_7Oif9p5ciMr48XgIbmv0OyehgDFHH8t1Gq_eBBQ6m/s1600/unnamed-8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhc_WAANgJ2-AXWBT_NY6rLbxPsmFXU6Y6rNgnpAVQwfyKEcHWJ6iclxUjLM01NGoj-k5hV66achWznB1VRO7JDFBwN0hXkCCpAKf_7Oif9p5ciMr48XgIbmv0OyehgDFHH8t1Gq_eBBQ6m/s320/unnamed-8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 14pt;">1. Shop
for </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Bulbrite-40G25HG-40-Watt-Globe-Medium/dp/B00IJIPN3Y" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 14pt;">light
bulbs</a><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 14pt;"> on Amazon.com</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">2. Eat
the last four stale pieces of <a href="http://www.pepperidgefarm.com/ProductDetail.aspx?catID=745">Pepperidge
Farm Cinnamon Swirl Bread</a> from the bottom of the bag<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">3. Post
random high school pictures to <a href="https://www.facebook.com/courtenay.bond/posts/10211356365962353?notif_t=like&notif_id=1486189073146741">Facebook</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">4. Feel
validated because The New York Times and the <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/health-38842561?ocid=socialflow_facebook&ns_mchannel=social&ns_campaign=bbcnews&ns_source=facebook%3FSThisFB">BBC</a>
are reporting that other people also hate eating and breathing noises<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">5. Decide
to start a <a href="https://www.facebook.com/search/top/?q=misophonia%20support%20group">support
group for misophonia</a>, your newly discovered condition, until, of course,
you find that several groups already exist<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">6. Try
to learn the German lyrics to <a href="http://www.metrolyrics.com/99-luftballons-german-lyrics-nena.html">99
Luftballoons</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">7. Shop
online for <a href="http://www.housebeautiful.com/design-inspiration/house-tours/g2370/tiny-houses/?slide=2">tiny
houses</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">8. Find that they cost can as much as <a href="http://newatlas.com/five-tiny-houses-under-50000-dollars/47682/">$50,000</a>
and abandon the project<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt;">9. Try
to recall all your old phone numbers to prove to yourself that you are not
developing <a href="http://www.alz.org/i-have-alz/if-you-have-younger-onset-alzheimers.asp">early
onset Alzheimer’s</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">10. Decide it would be cozy to
light a fire and then realize that you have to stay up another
four hours until it goes out</span><!--EndFragment-->Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-74323989651983329182017-01-26T15:50:00.002-08:002017-01-26T15:50:55.020-08:0010 things to do while home with a sick kid<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYqpreSw8fThVnwDmwHlTZle6C8uCXcHiP-l6NCxPyWgxwjQElDN31B-AwlZJaBjVgsego3oKToo4xJRnxnKvWsPV8IXzvep5iUPIZ45NyRI9aVW3pQ-EVHHeYhfuH5VLrq9EvME-tTqjU/s1600/unnamed-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYqpreSw8fThVnwDmwHlTZle6C8uCXcHiP-l6NCxPyWgxwjQElDN31B-AwlZJaBjVgsego3oKToo4xJRnxnKvWsPV8IXzvep5iUPIZ45NyRI9aVW3pQ-EVHHeYhfuH5VLrq9EvME-tTqjU/s320/unnamed-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">1. Read about </span><a href="https://www.statnews.com/2017/01/06/earwax-doctors-advice-ignored/"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">earwax balls</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> and why you shouldn’t use Q-tips – or
any other object, for that matter – to push them deeper into your ear canals<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">2. Answer your
daughter’s persistent questions about whether she will be able to go to school tomorrow in the affirmative – after dosing her again with expired Children’s </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Motrin-Childrens-DyeFree-Reliever-Fluiduid/dp/B00MNSHF00/ref=sr_1_2_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1485473418&sr=8-2&keywords=children%27s+motrin"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Motrin</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">3. Online shop at </span><a href="https://www.madewell.com/madewell_category/SWEATERS/pullovers/PRDOVR~G0443/G0443.jsp"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Madewell</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> for more sweaters you don’t need and
can’t afford<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">4. Listen to
“Musical Spa” radio while scanning websites of </span><a href="http://www.miravalresorts.com/"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Arizona
spas</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> you’ll never
actually visit<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">5. Binge drink </span><a href="http://synergydrinks.com/"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kombucha</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> with the hope that the low amounts of
naturally occurring alcohol that the label warns about will soon kick in<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">6. Take Kombucha
breaks to clean your ears with </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Q-tips-Cotton-Swabs-500-ct/dp/B00I6A69TM/ref=sr_1_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1485473595&sr=8-1&keywords=Q-tips"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Q-tips</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">7. Watch “</span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gneBUA39mnI&app=desktop"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">A Bad Lip Reading of Donald Trump’s
Inauguration</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">” 17 times<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">8. Switch to watching
the </span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lv8meHrsd9o"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Canadian woman slip on the ice</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> until your daughter asks you to quiet
down<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">9. Sneak in another
episode of the feel-bad Icelandic drama </span><a href="https://www.netflix.com/title/80114869"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">“CASE”
on Netflix</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> when your
daughter finally drifts off<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYEl5zrocgmqqw1ATvYAcZ7Run1zHjg-cKCSY2z42ZJ3gzN8nQ-IDvFT-qhNk0Ichajul1f6T79fuy46Y8P7WSlMjXJ05tQZrrjtZ5IJwDMfciSxm66JBMOuHhYo-ftVWM64z3vFrbCW0O/s1600/11174876_903334636389733_2191364501962816506_n.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYEl5zrocgmqqw1ATvYAcZ7Run1zHjg-cKCSY2z42ZJ3gzN8nQ-IDvFT-qhNk0Ichajul1f6T79fuy46Y8P7WSlMjXJ05tQZrrjtZ5IJwDMfciSxm66JBMOuHhYo-ftVWM64z3vFrbCW0O/s320/11174876_903334636389733_2191364501962816506_n.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">If you are part
of the Pantsuit Nation, as my family is, you are no doubt feeling this morning
shock and despair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I was naïve
enough to believe that Hillary Clinton would prevail in the end. I slept little
last night, waking up each hour or so to check the returns on CNN.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">This morning I
am devastated to understand that the majority of people of this country would
rather elect a megalomaniac, misogynistic racist than a brilliant woman who was
actually well-prepared to do the hard work of running this country.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">But I cannot
share all of that with my twin 9-year-olds and 6-year-old. They are too young
to digest in its entirety what a tragedy this election is for our nation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">As deeply disturbed
as I am by last night’s surprise turn of events, my job remains that of taking
care of my kids, and part of that mission means not sharing all of my
feelings with them. Now is the time to apply a filter, to make sure that what
my husband and I say to them at home is developmentally appropriate and
digestible for them—not to overwhelm them with our own devastation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I urge others
not to let Donald Trump hijack your children’s mental health.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">We need to work
together to figure out how to elevate the dialogue about what has happened for the
youth of our county. And we need to make sure we are not getting carried away
in the privacy of our own homes. Switch off the media. Don’t over-expose children to pundits and images they cannot understand. Discuss the gravity of this
moment, but make sure to reassure your kids that as parents, caregivers and
guardians, you will continue to protect them</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">—</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">to
counteract hysteria that they may be encountering on the outside.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Figuring out how
to do all of this is not easy, and so I thought I would share some wisdom a friend posted this morning on Facebook about what he said to
his children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“We stood up for ideas we
judged to be good and right, and we opposed the ones we deemed a danger,” this
friend told his kids, adding that “lots of smart people thought we were going
to win, but we didn't. Unexpected things happen, that's part of life. We, as a
family, are extremely fortunate. We, by blessings bestowed and good
circumstance, live a charmed life. We are surrounded by family, friends, and a
community that values equality, compassion, and respect, just as we do.
We do not want for food, money, health care, education, art, beauty, or
love. The election will change none of that. Today we are deeply sad. But after
a time we will pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off. We will press on. We don't
give up in this family…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">My husband and
I will most likely borrow some of these words and blend them with our own. We will
continue to talk to our children about how, although we are deeply
disappointed that Trump will be our next president, there are checks and
balances in the system and lots of other people who will work with him. We will
emphasize to our kids that they are safe. We will say these things, even if we don’t 100
percent believe them, because we feel it is the most responsible path to
follow for our family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Our country is stronger than any one person, my husband told me this morning. For our children's sake, I have to believe that he is right.</span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-44073940488241947002016-09-22T23:33:00.000-07:002016-09-22T23:33:10.038-07:00The Daily Grind: Wondering What to Make for Dinner<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyMOx6Q7dOYGCBTfHDNAcRR673o5I8wLMn4gNxl3BFEVUuK2qKfFAlvAHAich1aFJWt4zLerRonxhoVtUjIf15c-g_06e9dDihNP0Pzvel_mk7MwGb29AVowQPMp5SUPEHH3GAnLREXK9L/s1600/046b183b-20b3-4cc9-8cf5-68b92ec8fe5b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyMOx6Q7dOYGCBTfHDNAcRR673o5I8wLMn4gNxl3BFEVUuK2qKfFAlvAHAich1aFJWt4zLerRonxhoVtUjIf15c-g_06e9dDihNP0Pzvel_mk7MwGb29AVowQPMp5SUPEHH3GAnLREXK9L/s320/046b183b-20b3-4cc9-8cf5-68b92ec8fe5b.jpg" width="320" /></a>My oldest daughter—the only one of our three children with a
sophisticated palate, who rarely gets to sample the diversity of dishes she was
born to enjoy—has lately been despairing because I do not know how to cook and
no longer know what to attempt to make.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could definitely relate, for instance, when a friend
recently posted on Facebook that she was “turning into Cher from ‘Mermaids’” by
serving “Trader Joe’s appetizers for dinner.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In fact, my daughter, 9, has started offering to help me in
the kitchen because she is weary of the back-to-back rotation of stir-fry,
tacos and pizza. I feel like I have really put myself out if I take my kids to
Five Guys to snack on peanuts while I order their cheeseburgers and French
fries.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Recent news about the carcinogenic effects of nitrates in
processed meats sent me into a tailspin, forcing me to take these regulars off
the menu—a move that proved only temporary when I broke down and started
serving hot dogs again a few weeks later.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it’s not my fault.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I grew up in a house where a hefty file cabinet full of
recipes, ones that my mother had copiously copied out as a newlywed but rarely
cooked, squatted untouched on our kitchen counter like an obsolete computer.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Culinary instruction in my childhood consisted of my mother
slathering mayonnaise on slabs of Swiss cheese for a snack and my father
boiling frozen cream-chipped beef to pour over burnt toast.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Needless to say, I have little confidence in the kitchen.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes I go to the store because we have run out of Honey
Nut Cheerios; but sometimes, as a stay-at-home mother, I just need to get out.
I also hope that pacing the aisles, watching other moms and dads load up on
eggplant and risotto, will inspire me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suffer from a persistent delusion that what I need is not
cooking lessons but rather proximity to those who actually know what they are
doing—that by circulating among neighborhood chefs who understand how to pare
vegetables and braise meat, I will absorb their skills through osmosis.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But so far, this approach has failed. I wind up packing my
cart every time with the same old Yoplait Whips and ground beef. Even new
acquaintances seem to sniff out my incompetence.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For instance, a woman I recently met in the parking lot of
my children’s day camp recommended that I sign up for a supermarket delivery
service. Then she friended me on Facebook to offer further encouragement.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Just placing my Giant order,” she messaged. “If you send me
your email, I’ll email you a link to save $20 on your first order. <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span>”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This sounded sort of appealing since one of the last times I
visited that store, a fight broke out. Watching one worker pummel another, I
dialed 911 as I continued to bag my groceries.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This experience did not help the vulnerability I always feel
upon entering a supermarket, which is why another friend’s suggestion to try
Plated, a company that mails fresh ingredients and recipes to your door for a
fee, sparkled with possibility.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gazing at the menu pictures of pretzel-crusted redfish with
green beans and horseradish sauce and zucchini orzo with goat cheese and
heirloom tomatoes, my daughter declared that she thought this service was a
“really good idea.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Georgia’s initial optimism flagged, however, when I had
trouble determining when the oil was “shimmering” and failed to whisk together
the horseradish and Greek yogurt to the proper consistency.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The mushy dish I delivered was somewhat less delectable than
advertised. Plus, I had used every pot in the cupboard and splattered grease
all over the counters and floor.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next night, ordering take-out curly mac-n-cheese from
California Pizza Kitchen seemed like a wise move.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“When I grow up, I’m going to open a restaurant,” Georgia
declared between mouthfuls.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Can I eat there?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yes,” my daughter chirped. “And I’ll teach you how to
cook!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
“Or I’ll just watch,” I said, wondering what on earth I
would produce for tomorrow night’s dinner.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/CourtenayHarrisBond">Connect with Courtenay on Facebook.</a></div>
Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-90066483439007869122016-09-22T23:27:00.001-07:002016-09-22T23:27:48.821-07:00This Is What I Do While You Sleep<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQwhfcE94Eco2MtZMwW1EcXgRgtZa69hr0_S3RpHPukuvcR3-bL_ro43VvIdgd4rE-IUJg8-LN5fp9H9YeOlQzG28d4B6VwTyBDJDaoeNnQp2l2JZ9Gj55RElpkzcRUrR-SQg_sO3KtmB9/s1600/IMG00114-20130411-1857.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQwhfcE94Eco2MtZMwW1EcXgRgtZa69hr0_S3RpHPukuvcR3-bL_ro43VvIdgd4rE-IUJg8-LN5fp9H9YeOlQzG28d4B6VwTyBDJDaoeNnQp2l2JZ9Gj55RElpkzcRUrR-SQg_sO3KtmB9/s320/IMG00114-20130411-1857.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know if it is due to an undesirable hereditary trait
or some kind of chemical change, but insomnia seems to have attacked my system—and
upset my equilibrium—with the onset of middle age.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instead of sleeping lately, in the middle of the night I
have been doing everything from sampling esoteric foodstuffs, such as pickled
vegetables straight from the jar, to pacing around the house, fretting about
incomplete tasks and my kids. I have also been finishing novels (reading, not
writing them), rearranging pictures on my daughter’s bookshelf while <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">she</i> sleeps, and scrolling through online
images from <a href="http://www.hearthomemag.co.uk/pastissues/">Heart Home Magazine</a>,
dreaming of a room of my own.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only occasionally, at this point, is my wakefulness still my
children’s fault.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Recently, for instance, I was enjoying a rare sound slumber
when our youngest daughter padded in to tell me that not only had she had a bad
dream, but that she was also “starving.” In my misguided, midnight muddle, I led
her downstairs to snack on some dried mangoes—way too chewy and sluggish a
source of sustenance, I soon realized, my elbow propped on the counter, my head
lolling uncomfortably in my hand. By the time she finished, I was wide awake.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Other times, I doze off shortly after putting my 6-year old and
twin 9-year-olds to bed. Those are delicious, deep, early hours that I end up
paying for dearly when I awaken at 12:30 or 1 a.m., wondering what I will do
with myself until dawn.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes reading wears me out. The other night, I digested
the final pages of William Finnegan’s <a href="http://thepenguinpress.com/book/barbarian-days-a-surfing-life-2/">“Barbarian
Days: A Surfing Life”</a> before drifting back off. Another time, all it took
was a midnight stroll through Crate and Barrel’s fall furniture catalogue to
return me to the coveted dark land of dreams.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But more often than not since I hit my mid-40s, I am up for
hours worrying about the bills my husband and I haven’t yet paid, the doctor’s
appointments I haven’t yet made, the years that are slipping by before I have a
chance to grasp onto them and accomplish whatever it is that I am meant to do
in this life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not knowing what my next step is is partly what’s keeping me
up.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With my twins entering fourth grade and my youngest going
into first—with all three of our kids finally in full-time school—I suddenly
have stretched out before me whole days during which I know I should be earning
money but haven’t quite figured out how to, the journalism landscape having drastically
changed during the decade I was preoccupied with child-rearing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I dream (but not while actually asleep) of converting our
garage into a rustic retreat with a wood-burning stove, shelves cluttered with
aged terra-cotta pots, and a window gazing at the main house where my husband
is contending with our children. From this nest, I would churn out my memoirs
or compose my first novel, the daydream goes, as if just by creating this space
I would ignite the inspiration.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the meantime, I am up at night in my regular house that
usually needs cleaning, wondering how to jump-start my freelance career or find
some intellectually stimulating part-time editing gig.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But rather than searching through
foundering-writers-seeking-work websites, lately I have been prowling around
insomniac chat rooms.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had an interesting foray into <a href="http://insomniachat.com/">InsomniaChat.com</a>, which describes itself as
a place to “join in forum debates and discussions about your experiences with
insomnia and related issues.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Though one visitor ranted, “Why get up early in the morning?
Screw that! My Night is my morning!!! Insomniac and Proud!”—most of the rest of
the content I read had nothing at all to do with sleep deprivation.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In addition to posting a YouTube link to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFXZNt4oLkE">Prince’s 2008 performance of
Creep</a> by Radiohead, a fellow night owl wondered, “Is segmentation leading
to segregation based on race, politics, religion, gender and sexuality or
personal views?” While these were important questions, they were not ones I was
going to answer at 3:18 a.m.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I’m not cruising chat rooms, sometimes I’ll actually write—garbled
gook that seemed eloquent at 2 in the morning but that upon daylight inspection
appears totally objectionable.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe someday, during my candlelight vigils, I will embark
on a longer-term project that will sustain me for many midnights to come.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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In the meantime, I hope that I can stop wrestling with my
insomnia and start viewing it as the gift of personal time and space—as a quiet
room all my own.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/CourtenayHarrisBond">Connect with Courtenay on Facebook.</a></div>
Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-46151171324514284532016-09-22T23:19:00.000-07:002016-09-22T23:19:32.802-07:00Breathing in the Open Air
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTmiBTRlQcRJzF-yhecVQxrwocgJBs2OKB-hFFANIiwYTWPSfo2BvEjSVdbOqUwqWYvFJSfMzHIWsc-ne850geQiD-WyjxM5gcQdNXDI1jsV_wOtfWdPBdzlLErSLQ_Jo7bf5106iPxYbK/s1600/FullSizeRender+%25286%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTmiBTRlQcRJzF-yhecVQxrwocgJBs2OKB-hFFANIiwYTWPSfo2BvEjSVdbOqUwqWYvFJSfMzHIWsc-ne850geQiD-WyjxM5gcQdNXDI1jsV_wOtfWdPBdzlLErSLQ_Jo7bf5106iPxYbK/s320/FullSizeRender+%25286%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We recently drove from Philadelphia to a family camp on
secluded Squam Lake in New Hampshire—completely unplugged, out in the open air,
swimming, kayaking and hiking—one of our most successful vacations to date.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Georgia, 9, the foodie of our family, loved how breakfast,
lunch and dinner arrived buffet style in a communal dining hall where she could
choose between everything from Belgian waffles and omelets to shrimp scampi and
roast beef.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was partial to the desserts, helping myself most nights to
a slice of cake or several fresh-baked cookies and a cone of Mississippi Mud
Pie at the unlimited ice cream bar. After watching this pattern emerge, Georgia
told me she was going to open a “dessert restaurant” when she grew up and that
I would be “first in line.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wasn’t that worried about gaining weight, however, because
I spent the better part of each morning pulling Georgia and her younger sister
around in inflatable donuts as they hung onto the rope trailing from the back
of my rented kayak, in a pathetic mimicry of those parents who were actually
towing their kids in inner tubes behind motor boats.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I frantically paddled, sunblock-laced sweat dripping into
my eyes, Georgia and Jane, 6, took turns exclaiming, “This is so relaxing!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Georgia’s twin brother, Griffin, did his part by wearing out
my husband through a game of lake football they invented. Jeff would bob on one
of the donut tubes and hurl the ball to our son as he leaped off the dock. They
practiced endlessly every afternoon until Griffin could snatch it mid-air with
one hand as he plunged.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Soon other children were joining in. My husband fetched the
football like a loyal Labrador, tossing it to the next waiting child, and acted
as barker, calling out categories for the kids as they jumped into the water.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Fruit!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Watermel…” we heard before the child went under.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“One kid would wait ‘til dad asked the question, then think
of the answer before he jumped,” Griffin later reported, highly offended.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That didn’t bother me as much as the fact that Griffin
delighted in trouncing me at ping pong in the rec hall.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You need to work on your serve,” he told me one afternoon,
when I finally threw down my paddle, having lost seven games in a row.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I nursed my wounded pride and weary arms each evening,
sitting at the edge of the dock, sipping frosty beers with my husband while we
watched our kids swim.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One afternoon, a friend stopped by to chat, dangling his
sunglasses over the water—dangerously, I thought, until proven right when he
dropped them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Catch those!” he cried to Jeff, who didn’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Donning their goggles, Jeff and our friend spent the next
hour diving down to the sludgy lake bottom, retrieving plenty of sticks and
muck, but not the sunglasses.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’ll come back tomorrow when the lake’s calmer,” said our
friend, unwilling to admit defeat.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was exhausted just watching them and slept well that night
until Georgia fell out of bed with a thud that resounded off the wooden walls
of our small cabin. After making sure she wasn’t concussed, I retreated to the
living room where a breeze was slipping through the screened windows facing the
lake—ideal conditions, I thought, to light a fire.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Using the better part of the Sunday New York Times and all
the kindling I could scrounge from the wood box, I finally got one roaring and
kept adding logs—delighted with my success—not realizing until it was too late that
I would be too anxious to go back to sleep until the flames had died down.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the following day, I had to ignore my exhaustion.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our daughters wanted me to pull them behind the kayak again.
We still hadn’t climbed Rattlesnake Mountain. And Jeff had to defend his title
in the Pinehurst Classic 5K Road Race that afternoon.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could tell he was nervous, another year closer to 50 and
suffering from planter faciitis. Plus the fellow who beat him two years ago was
back at camp.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That night we consoled ourselves about his third-place
finish (not withstanding the fact that he beat his rival) by watching the
talent show. A friend’s son played a Mozart sonata on the piano. Several guests
did a robot routine with lighted gloves. A young boy tap-danced across the
stage.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I don’t want to leave,” Georgia said tearfully as we walked
through the dark woods back to our cabin.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I, too, was sad, reflecting on how much time we had spent together, filling up on nourishing food and fresh air, bathing in the cool lake instead of showering—no iPads or TV and barely any Wi-Fi connection—unplugged from the modern world and all our cares. And as I stuffed the soggy bathing suits and towels into the trunk of the minivan to drive the 420 miles back to Philadelphia, I hoped that we would be lucky enough to experience this magical adventure again next year.</div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/CourtenayHarrisBond">Connect with Courtenay on Facebook.</a></span><!--EndFragment-->Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-14345359301445050392016-07-15T23:56:00.000-07:002016-07-15T23:56:59.284-07:00Living Amongst The Beasts Of Suburbia
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWFtEwfHkbXPt2uy3ucurXMzqMVjMDmcjhQBxlwoCKUA4fdKBd0oMaYSJuubGdRiivG1iAjfDFyLzXIgswsv1hEAprG8AW8G1z8bkZvn16YL_F4UcB_muJYv3KiOitaHHKSnXNQolzLgiQ/s1600/IMG_1155.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="148" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWFtEwfHkbXPt2uy3ucurXMzqMVjMDmcjhQBxlwoCKUA4fdKBd0oMaYSJuubGdRiivG1iAjfDFyLzXIgswsv1hEAprG8AW8G1z8bkZvn16YL_F4UcB_muJYv3KiOitaHHKSnXNQolzLgiQ/s200/IMG_1155.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
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Finally released from the captivity of school, wrestling
with their newfound freedom, and each other, our children have resorted to one
of their favorite summer pastimes—non-stop bickering about everything from who
used all the scotch tape to who gets the iPad first—making my husband and I feel
like our house has been transformed into “Meerkat Manor,” where a “battle
royale of competition and survival” daily plays out.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Actual and sometimes harrowing encounters with the wildlife
that brazenly roams our neighborhood in sultry weather, enacting Darwin’s
theory of natural selection right before our suburban eyes, has only enhanced
this sensation.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rabbits hop through our yard, digging up our plants and
bulbs. Grey and black squirrels scurry about, gorging on berries and buried
nuts, as well as food scraps our kids make a practice of scattering when we
dine al fresco. Groundhogs trundle out of my path when I run along the Cynwyd
Heritage Trail.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The other morning I saw a curious hole in the grass outside
our back door and peered in. I was rewarded with a chipmunk darting up into my
face, as I leaped back, startled, recalling the time as a child I gazed into a
similar opening—that one the home of a snake.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Thus, I am no stranger to animals cozying up to me in and
around the urban and suburban shelters I have occupied throughout my life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a graduate student in New York, my roommates and I
unwillingly discovered that the scratching sounds we heard in the kitchen each
night came from a family of mice nesting in the paper bags we stored under our
sink.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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When I was growing up in Seattle, my mother tried to drown a
rat she’d caught in a long cage in our attic in a bucket of water. But when she
traipsed up hours later in her nightgown, the cage was empty.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The specter of that vanished rat still haunts my nightmares,
as do the memories of the <a href="mailto:http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/speak-easy/speak-easy-feature/item/75333-when-squirrels-intrude-youd-better-hope-the-exterminator-answers-texts-at-midnight%26Itemid=219%26linktype=hp_speakeasy">flying
squirrels that infested the 110-year-old Bala Cynwyd house</a> I now live in.
We spent thousands of dollars and several months trying to evict them with the
help of two separate exterminating companies.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I was practically unfazed when a friend showed me a
picture on her cell phone of a decomposing baby fox skull she had discovered in
her yard one recent morning.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“Coyotes,” I said knowingly, recalling that I had heard
somewhere—maybe from an unreliable neighbor, maybe on NPR—that these animals
were lately moving into the suburbs across the country.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few mornings later, my husband and I spotted a hawk on the
street in front of our house, snacking on the putrid corpse of a squirrel.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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By now, seeing a bird of prey taking its breakfast on our doorstep
seemed the natural course of events. So we paused to snap pictures.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then the other day, as I lugged a laden laundry basket to
the basement washer, I spied a brown snake coiled near the steps to our Bilco
doors.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I dashed upstairs, thinking only that the snake better be
there when I returned or I’d never sleep again, knowing that it could still be
slinking around our house. After grabbing a handful of plastic grocery sacks, I
plunged back down, two steps at a time, and scooped up the snake, feeling its
fleshy weight in my covered hand.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Outside on the strip of grass near the road, I danced
around, frantically shaking out all three bags—hoping that none of our three
kids were looking out the windows—ever more frantic as the snake failed to
appear.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then, abruptly, there it was, complacently slinking away.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What have you got?” inquired a neighbor who had the bad manners
to be sauntering by at this vulnerable moment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Looks like your common garter,” he said, taking a look,
charitably adding after seeing my stricken expression that “anyone would be
scared by that.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had been too frenzied to even think of calling or texting
my husband at work for assistance. So that evening, I revised the story into
one that illustrated my immense composure and bravery, still wondering exactly
how a snake had sneaked into our basement.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then a couple of nights later, after a particularly grueling
afternoon of refereeing our children’s sparring, I heard what sounded like a
baby screeching or maybe a woman shrieking in labor.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our dog sat up on his bed, ears cocked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What <i>is </i>that?” I
called to my husband, who came upstairs and listened at the open window until
the hair-raising call sounded again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“A fox,” Jeff said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And with that, my husband matter-of-factly punctuated what suddenly seemed like just another day in the wilds of our neighborhood and our home.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/CourtenayHarrisBond">Connect with Courtenay Harris Bond on Facebook.</a></span><!--EndFragment-->Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-65414001050788112662016-07-15T23:38:00.000-07:002016-07-15T23:38:58.198-07:00When Children Amaze
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhneIJk6jIGs8_J0uAac6v21wIazwPXrVf0tFlnqMeG2eiERVtLUON4scMlhwM0eB8wHn6Lq_jQDaIvOtVeA6JHxBUrrzNdiBAYqtXkVB8buECLMuTc4fBWfWmJi6Iyk5Uj93FYJgJN4hXI/s1600/IMG_0692.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhneIJk6jIGs8_J0uAac6v21wIazwPXrVf0tFlnqMeG2eiERVtLUON4scMlhwM0eB8wHn6Lq_jQDaIvOtVeA6JHxBUrrzNdiBAYqtXkVB8buECLMuTc4fBWfWmJi6Iyk5Uj93FYJgJN4hXI/s320/IMG_0692.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of the ways that children render their existence
tolerable to their parents—giving us the stamina to endure their fiery
outbursts and relentless demands—is through their uncanny ability to amaze us at
the most unexpected times.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For instance, my 9-year-old son suddenly decided the other
morning to declare a temporary détente in <a href="http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/blogs/germantown-ave-parents/item/74251?linktype=hp_blogs">his
ongoing war with his younger sister</a> and actually help her with something.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Griffin sat on the floor with Jane, 5, before school and
guided her through the excruciating process of <a href="http://courtenayharrisbond.blogspot.com/2013/07/all-tied-up.html">learning
to tie her shoes</a>, a task I had tried to assist her with countless times
before and failed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To my surprise, however, Griffin not only exhibited patience,
but also met with success.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Now make two bunny ears and wrap them around each other,”
he calmly instructed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I did it!” Jane exclaimed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I was left to marvel at their unforeseen collaboration,
temporarily basking in the warmth of their shared accomplishment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the next day, when Jane and I were alone, she started to
get discouraged all over again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“They keep coming undone!” Jane wailed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I know it’s frustrating,” I said, unable to resist adding
the cliché that “practice makes perfect.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No,” Jane retorted. “Practice doesn’t make perfect because
nothing’s perfect. Practice makes better.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I found myself vigorously nodding at her wisdom, encountering
one of those parental moments when you realize that your children are only
masquerading as annoying idiots but are actually miniature sages.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My husband and I frequently experience such epiphanies with Griffin’s
twin sister, Georgia, who often seems much older than her 9 years as she lets
us in on secrets that we forgot we knew—or never even knew at all.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In a book she made for <a href="http://courtenayharrisbond.blogspot.com/2013/05/your-awesome-mom.html">Mother’s
Day</a>, Georgia said that if I were a food, I would be a “Belgium” waffle. And
I immediately understood that not only was she correct, but that I also wanted
one right then and there.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Georgia’s perceptiveness occasionally takes a more serious
turn, such as when she lets me know that I’m not actually listening to what she
is saying and helps me slow down enough to hear what she is feeling.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In these moments, Georgia reminds me that my talking is not
as important as her talking—that if I cannot resolve the frustration she is experiencing,
at least I can let her release it into the open air, which is often the best
remedy of all.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For example, the other day after school Georgia was crying
about <a href="http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/component/flexicontent/item/61112-help-my-first-graders-have-too-much-homework&Itemid=219&linktype=hp_speakeasy">how
much she hated homework</a>, how tired she was of all the worksheets and how
hard the assignments sometimes were.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I kept asking, “Do you want me to help?” I kept urging her
to take a break. “Go out in the yard and play,” I kept saying.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No, I want to do my homework,” Georgia finally looked up at
me and blubbered. “But I want to keep crying about it. <i>That</i> will make me feel better.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I realized how she made such perfect sense: that
sometimes we don’t want to take care of the tasks life confronts us with, the ones
that intrude with their compulsory inevitability. We know we have to execute
these duties, but whining about them a little bit helps make them more
palatable.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Furthermore, my children’s insights sometimes offer me a greater
sense of self-awareness, even if that knowledge ends up being painful.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I circled ‘patient,’” Georgia told me when she gave me the Mother’s
Day book that had a list of adjectives she was supposed to select from to
describe me. “You aren’t really very patient, but I felt bad not choosing it.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got the point, just as my son’s Mother’s Day project
clarified for me exactly <a href="http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/blogs/germantown-ave-parents/item/93570-learning-to-let-my-kids-make-a-mess?linktype=featured_articlepage">how
my OCD affects him.</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In response to the prompt, “I’m not quite sure why mom
always…” Griffin wrote, “cleans the house when it’s already clean.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And to, “The most interesting thing about my mom’s life so
far is,” he responded, “that she’s almost never late.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Though these were not the personality traits and life experiences I would have hoped my son would highlight, I really couldn't quibble with their accuracy. My husband and I just shook our heads and laughed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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And ultimately, that is the most amazing part of having children,
when they indicate that it may be time to lighten up and stop worrying so much
because they really are smarter than you already—and pretty much squared away.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/CourtenayHarrisBond">Connect with Courtenay Harris Bond on Facebook.</a></span><!--EndFragment-->Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-11971075208656133422016-07-15T23:29:00.000-07:002016-07-15T23:29:33.296-07:00Light Through The Cracks
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQZX6RTPOIdAkbPi-r1ZcBKvwjsMPzoTaeLvq3rpBjkta4GjfIYLTs3YaubTUnTQ8ifrj1QHdAROfUX8gTB68c0l7uNnzRY6B0fjb7XjhnPKwWp7cqkjleoAR5B6W-RhCjNj8Y3-j_PLl6/s1600/6a7f564c-d18e-4818-9b66-5613be3e1054.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQZX6RTPOIdAkbPi-r1ZcBKvwjsMPzoTaeLvq3rpBjkta4GjfIYLTs3YaubTUnTQ8ifrj1QHdAROfUX8gTB68c0l7uNnzRY6B0fjb7XjhnPKwWp7cqkjleoAR5B6W-RhCjNj8Y3-j_PLl6/s320/6a7f564c-d18e-4818-9b66-5613be3e1054.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I am up at 3 a.m., looking at our rain-slick deck and
wondering why I cannot sleep, a fairly frequent occurrence in my middle age
when worries often chase me through the early morning hours.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I listen to the hush of my husband and three children
peacefully at rest, sometimes I will peek at my oldest daughter twisted sideways
in her bed, her comforter yanked out from where I had so carefully secured it
the previous morning.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have to resist the urge to straighten it and risk disturbing
the magical slumber of childhood that now eludes me with such regularity. Instead,
I try to take in the mystical quiet of the moment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel a powerful tenderness for my kids when I gaze at them
at night, their faces turned up but not seeing me through their tangled dreams—a
purity of love that sometimes eludes me during daylight hours when I often feel
irritated by the commotion and messes they create.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lately, I find myself repeating the words that someone once
told me—that there are “no straight lines in nature”—almost like a mantra to
combat my compulsive need for order, one so challenged by raising boy-girl
twins and a third.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Against my better judgment, I am constantly trying to put
everything back in place, only to have my kids disrupt the toys and books and
dishes again as they whirl through our living space.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know the tidiness I crave, almost like a drug, stems from
growing up in a chaotic environment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Early on, I tried to impose symmetry on the only aspects of
my life that I could control, neatly stacking my books, folding my clothes,
aligning my pencils. Focusing on these tasks made me feel like I was in charge
of the outcome of my day and distracted me from more fundamental problems that I
could not fix.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And in some ways, these compulsions have served me well as
an adult.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I pay bills the day they arrive. I meet deadlines. On the
mornings my children trudge off to school, I clean up in record time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But order is ephemeral, bound to be unsettled. And as soon
as my kids return with their overflowing backpacks, sticky fingers and muddy
shoes, I have to remind myself that while it is alright to insist that they clear
their plates and pick up their toys, scolding them for squirming and spreading
and occasionally spilling is less ok.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With my children, I have tried to suspend my compulsive
tendencies. I wait until they are out of the house or in bed to bustle around wiping
counters, boxing crayons, fluffing pillows—aligning everything once again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I cannot completely eradicate my need to establish
equilibrium. So I’ve struck a devil’s bargain where I restore all the bits to
their proper perches whenever I get the chance.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is a Sisyphean task, ultimately futile in its nature, but
one that expends my anxious energy and makes me feel temporarily in control.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Until the middle of the night, that is, when I find myself
awake and contemplating life’s more consequential problems, whatever happens to
be troubling one or more of our children at the moment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To distract myself, I reach for the reading material is at
hand, which the other morning was a mailing from Schoolhouse Electric, a
Portland, Ore., furnishings company that embraces “scratches, fading and other
signs of wear as badges of character.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Somewhat shamefully, I realized I was having an epiphany in
the middle of the night over a furniture catalogue, grasping with sudden
clarity that the peeling paint, tumbled LEGOs, laugh lines and frayed nerves
were actually the gifts that family life delivers.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remembered what, of course, I’d long known, that our flaws
are what make us unique, that we learn from our mistakes, that our own pain
deepens our empathy. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“There is a crack in everything,” says Leonard Cohen.
“That’s how the light gets in.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so I vowed, at least for now, to try to stop cleaning up my children's messes and watch more closely what they discover through making them—to try to stop repairing the cracks and peer into them, instead, to see what lies on the other side.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/CourtenayHarrisBond">Connect with Courtenay Harris Bond on Facebook.</a></span><!--EndFragment-->Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-22712424927830643252016-05-01T10:56:00.000-07:002016-05-01T10:56:05.983-07:00The Shifting Shades Of Success
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My 9-year-old daughter recently managed to drop one of her
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<br /></div>
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Luckily, she also has a habit of not flushing. So I spotted
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<br /></div>
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I was particularly relieved because the last time I was
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“Wow! You’re 44? I wouldn’t have guessed you were a day over 39!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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And I was feeling especially vulnerable to this kind of backward
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journalism school reunion—not high school or college, but graduate school—was
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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I can no longer read my iPhone without the aid of magnifying
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speak of, after spending nine years as a stay-at-home mother of three.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“I like your mom posts,” a former journalism school
classmate said the other day. “Those are pretty funny.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Though his remark was good natured, it also touched a
particularly tender nerve, since my blogging over the past several years has
served as a lifeline—a reminder that I still have intellectual skills I can
exercise in the world—even though my approach, more often than not, has been tongue-in-cheek.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I merely want to write. And on my rational days, I tell
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<br /></div>
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I wasn’t always so unsure of myself. As a newspaper reporter
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epidemics and sex trafficking rings for The Atlantic Monthly or The New York
Times.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Instead, 15 years later, I am writing about toilet training
and tantrums with the hope that my narratives about the unrelenting nature of motherhood
will find an empathetic audience.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would kill for my first newspaper job, covering local
politics for an 8,000-circulation paper in Manassas, Va. And now I face the
prospect of joining other Columbia Journalism School graduates at our 20th reunion,
where I will hear about their latest book deals and cover stories. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After years of reporting for the New York Daily News, one
classmate has just extended his contract with NY1. Another friend has written a
popular column for The Wall Street Journal. Another has had a long tenure at
People and just shadow wrote a book for Teresa Guidice, one of the most
volatile Real Housewives on Bravo TV—practically the only channel that, in my
degraded state, I now watch.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have to admit that while I am genuinely happy for my
former classmates and impressed by their accomplishments, I have also often
felt demoralized by them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In this state of diminishing self-esteem—bleary from being
up all night with our twins when they were babies or dousing the flames of
their resentment at our introducing a third child into the family—I have found
it hard to congratulate myself on my own hard work.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The grimy reality of parenting day in and day out with no
paycheck and often little more reward than slender arms hugging me at bedtime
sometimes just doesn’t feel like enough. Which is why I have continued to
write, even if mostly for myself and mostly about my “beat” of the moment, the
slice-of-life parenting material at hand.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
During my bouts of self-doubt, I remember that when I became
a mom, I was lucky enough to be able to make parenting my ultimate priority. Although
raising three kids has proven rocky at times, on some fundamental level, I do
know that my husband and I are succeeding at creating a safe and loving home. And
while my career may seem at a standstill, my children have enriched my life and
deepened my capacity for empathy in ways no other kind of job ever could.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So when I hear about another Columbia graduate’s exploits in
a war zone, I try to recall Leo Tolstoy’s admonition that “h<span style="background: white; color: #181818; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">appiness does not depend on outward things, but
on the way we see them.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I remind
myself that success assumes many forms and that life has many chapters—and that
perhaps I will soon begin to write my next one.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #181818;"><span style="background-color: white;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/CourtenayHarrisBond">Connect with Courtenay Harris Bond on Facebook.</a></span></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-59461704196991594692016-04-14T13:20:00.000-07:002016-04-14T13:20:33.359-07:00Over The Moon
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieOSZNo_lkQR0OLgf4E1XTNf3Oz6A9E1vdMasptjLUO1iOb_-c_NElTB9wbYPGOJg8oPvBoR-MVO-YbsNgQlA9LKhIXqMKaNFfsvQuu307mv4QV9qCrzUNeOB5Ll1qDnNMm3tC-gUI-Jrj/s1600/IMG_0634.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieOSZNo_lkQR0OLgf4E1XTNf3Oz6A9E1vdMasptjLUO1iOb_-c_NElTB9wbYPGOJg8oPvBoR-MVO-YbsNgQlA9LKhIXqMKaNFfsvQuu307mv4QV9qCrzUNeOB5Ll1qDnNMm3tC-gUI-Jrj/s400/IMG_0634.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Homemade binoculars were as high tech as we got, until recently.</td></tr>
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“What’s a spring fever?” my 5-year-old daughter recently
asked as she contemplated our backyard Magnolia tree that was bursting into
bloom.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was ecstatic that the days were already trying on the
shimmery feel of summer, though winter wasn’t yet officially over. And when a
friend suggested taking our third-grade sons and some of their friends to the
Night Skies in the Observatory at The Franklin Institute, I readily assented,
the outing sounding full of warm promise.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had existed for more than 44 years on this earth without
ever peering at planets through a telescope—much less through a 10-inch Zeiss
refractor or a Celestron CPC 800 GPS computerized one.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Do you want to see outer space with your buddies tonight?”
I asked my 9-year-old son.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He shrugged an OK, not quite grasping the celestial
serendipity of a clear, 75-degree Philadelphia evening in early March and a
mother so long smothered by winter that she was willing to take him out late on
a school night.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So down the Schuylkill Expressway I steered our minivan from
Bala Cynwyd to Center City Wednesday evening after dinner. When I saw the
crowds already gathering inside the museum, however, I started to regret that we
hadn’t bolted our food even faster than usual.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m sorry,” the man at the desk said. “We’re sold out.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“But my son will be so disappointed,” I lied, nodding toward
Griffin, who was staring into a closed ice cream bin while he waited for his
friends.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After I agreed to renew our expired membership, the clerk
finally handed over tickets, and my son perked up as soon as his classmates
appeared. Then they immediately started alienating everyone around us by
resuming the boxing match they’d left off at recess and trying to cram all four
together into the tiny photo booth.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I felt my fantasy of a peaceful night’s stargazing begin to
ebb as my friend and I trailed after the boys into the Institute’s Space
Command exhibit, where they darted past the display of an actual Moon Rock toward
a computer where they constructed digital rovers to battle each other on
imaginary Martian terrain.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had heard that the observatory had live feeds of actual
footage from Mars but was having trouble luring our kids away from their virtual
outer space. We were missing the Fels Planetarium show and an astronomical
lecture—appropriate, the literature said, for ages 8 and up. The boys didn’t
care.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But when they started pelting each other with hard little spheres
from the Gravity Well, I had finally had enough.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We’re going up,” I commanded, trying to sound as imperious
as a cosmonaut.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was crestfallen, however, to see a long line of college
students, there to earn credit for class, snake its way down the corridor from
the doors opening into the night sky.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We should have come up earlier!” my fellow mother wailed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Can’t we go get some ice cream?” Griffin complained. “I saw
some downstairs.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We’re here to look at planets,” I insisted, growing doubtful
that we ever would as the queue inched forward along with the minute hand on my
watch.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Needless to say, I was relieved when an older woman walking
toward us read the despair in my expression.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“There’s no line for the smaller telescope, and you see the
same thing,” she leaned in and whispered.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Forfeiting my dream of huddling over the 10-inch
Zeiss—whatever that was—I started pushing forward. Sure enough, only a couple
of people stood waiting to look into the 8-inch Schmidt-Cassegrain telescope
that was dwarfed by the nearby Zeiss but that a volunteer had nonetheless
trained on Jupiter and its four largest moons.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I watched as he swiveled my son’s chin into position and covered
one of Griffin’s eyes to enhance his view. From my son’s tepid response, I’m
not sure he even saw the planet.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I did. And it was amazing, a glowing orb surrounded by
four bright pinpricks of light.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Weren’t you afraid you’d get pink eye?” a friend asked the
next day when I told her about peering into the Schmidt-Cassegrain.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But neither my son's irritating antics nor my own OCD tendencies could dampen my excitement at having actually spied Jupiter and its moons from a rooftop in Philadelphia—an ethereal experience that lifted my spirits out of their long winter's sleep into the warm night's air.</div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/CourtenayHarrisBond">Connect with Courtenay Harris Bond on Facebook.</a></span><!--EndFragment-->Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7648935243338725588.post-68424070326798771602016-02-17T18:19:00.000-08:002016-02-17T18:19:27.981-08:00Misshapen Hearts and Woolen Hats<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvYB06TTfK4zgrAe_7zZ_hPBTrobg7jzx-t0TuHwKKwzR819OT0lfdImd0_dhmnw7WJYt8SqUm-Kz8vl8-oi_4OsW78qzgx4pk5fJFoXTu2CJn3WPEdLI9xRPk6AkNhR5KnODs7VQKa8dC/s1600/IMG_0616.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvYB06TTfK4zgrAe_7zZ_hPBTrobg7jzx-t0TuHwKKwzR819OT0lfdImd0_dhmnw7WJYt8SqUm-Kz8vl8-oi_4OsW78qzgx4pk5fJFoXTu2CJn3WPEdLI9xRPk6AkNhR5KnODs7VQKa8dC/s320/IMG_0616.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was pleasantly surprised when I bought a hat just in time
for the Valentine’s Day cold snap and discovered that it not only keeps me warm
but also muffles sound—even the din of my three children’s bickering.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This soundproofing was certainly welcome since, in my
experience, one of the biggest shocks of parenting was learning how loud it was
all going to be, starting right away when my husband and I lugged squalling
twins home from the hospital. As we embarked on what seemed like an endless
groundhog day of feeding, burping, diapering and rocking, I told myself that
matters could only get easier, and quieter, as we moved into our child-rearing
future.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I couldn’t have been more wrong.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Certain aspects of parenting have become more
straightforward. My husband and I have stopped worrying so much about how to
nourish our kids, for instance. Pancakes, we have learned, are a perfectly
suitable dinner.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Having suffered many years of sleep fractured by midnight
bottles, potty breaks and bad dreams, we have begrudgingly accepted that we
will never again experience a sound rest, even after our three kids have left
the house. We knowingly laugh at the commercial where the couple, after having
their second child, graduates from a quick booty call during nap time to a
power snooze, the husband aided by a sleep apnea mask.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And we no longer agonize about every child-related decision,
though we still often second-guess ourselves after the fact.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But while the physicality of diapering babies and chasing
toddlers has slid into memory and we have found ourselves grinding away at a
tiring but familiar daily parenting routine, the challenges of helping our
children navigate their complex emotional lives and relationships have become
anything but mundane. And the cacophony, far from fading, has merely shifted to
a new frequency.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With 9-year-old twins and a 5-year-old, the sibling rivalry
in our house is intense. The fighting at times reaches what feels like
intolerable decibels and especially lately, for reasons unknown, seems to be
hitting a new crescendo.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is why I am so particularly pleased with my new
hat—with the multiple kinds of insulation that it provides.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For instance, the other evening while I was sautéing vegetables
that my kids were certain not to eat, I could barely make out some kind of
disturbance emanating from the basement. The noise was deadened enough by my
woolen cap that I pretended not to hear it at all, that is until my 5-year-old decided
to deliver an official report.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Griffin was throwing my socks, and one of them got stuck in
the ceiling,” Jane said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Later, in the tub, she filled me in on the particulars:
about how she had snatched a ball from her older brother, about how he had then
tossed her socks skyward until one of them snagged in a pipe and about how my
three kids had taken turns balancing on a toy horse on wheels and whacking away
at the rafters with a plastic hockey stick.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I think the less I know about this whole operation, the better,”
I told Jane, pulling my hat back down over my ears.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then I sped her through the rest of her bedtime routine,
fretting now, instead, about the fact that my son had drawn a duck
regurgitating blood onto a monster’s corpse on his Valentine’s party bag. I
knew he wanted to clobber his sisters, but I had thought he had the sense to
confine those feelings mostly to our house.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Furthermore, Griffin’s twin sister had returned from school
with the precise purpose of tallying who had the most Valentine’s loot. Finding
her stash coming up short, Georgia had been bewailing the injustices of the
world all afternoon. And then Jane had started in about the fact that she hadn’t
had a party that day at all.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“But yours was yesterday!” Griffin hollered, a point that
failed to register in Jane’s irrational 5-year-old mind.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So what was supposed to be a holiday full of sweetness and
love had taken a sour turn.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At least I knew I was not alone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Valentine heart cookie making wasn’t the after-school
family bonding activity I imagined in my dreams,” a friend had texted me
earlier that day, accompanied by a picture of what were supposed to be heart-shaped
treats that had bloated in the oven into sloppy spheres.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is a friend who has also confessed that she lingers in
showers long enough to drain the hot water heater to escape her children’s
squabbles. My hat provided a similar kind of warmth and respite without having
to get wet.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But truth be told, it gets kind of itchy. I’ve also found
that instead of leaving me alone when I am wearing it and fail to respond, my
kids only end up raising their voices. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Furthermore, I don’t think the volume of their complaints
and emotional conflicts will diminish any time soon.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, for the time being I've decided to fortify myself with my friend's misshapen-heart sugar cookies—and with the hope that my husband and I will keep finding enough love to help our children, and ourselves, figure it out one Valentine's Day at a time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "cambria"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/CourtenayHarrisBond">Connect with Courtenay Harris Bond on Facebook.</a></span><!--EndFragment-->Courtenay Harris Bondhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13813412578574716447noreply@blogger.com0